become so used to being hurt and ignored by men for whom I’ve had genuine
feelings. It makes me feel utterly lousy about myself and it’s even worse when I see everyone around me (both gay and straight friends) falling in love. I’m tired of feeling lonely, and with the summer upon us and being single again, I’ve about given up hope.
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Dear Jaded:
Thanks for writing and I’m sorry to hear about the struggles you’ve been having with the dating scene. Just because it may possibly be more challenging in one geographical spot than another, it’s extremely important to not allow yourself to get jaded by gay men and the dating process and to always try to keep the mindset positive and optimistic. Easier said than done, I know, but defeatist thinking will only serve to make you feel more frustrated and miserable and could even become self-sabotaging from your being able to accomplish what you want. Self-fulfilling prophecies develop out of negative thinking; if you think it’s hopeless to find a quality boyfriend, then this could actually be just the scenario you’ll be creating on an unconscious level. Try to remember the law of attraction—what you put out there is what you will typically get back in return. No matter how hard you to try to hide it, if you possess feelings of hopelessness and disgust about gay men and dating, you may be exhibiting this in your body language without your being aware of it and you will be repelling quality men from approaching or wanting to be around you—the very opposite thing that you want! So step #1 is to begin working on developing a more positive mindset so that you begin to exude this energy that many people find quite attractive, even if you have to “fake it to make it” in the beginning with the hope that your feelings will eventually catch up with your behavioral actions and positive thinking. You might want to refer to my article on “Stinking Thinking” to help with countering self-defeating thoughts at: https://thegaylovecoach.com/2008/01/stinking-thinking-of-the-gay-single-and-how-to-overcome-it/
Another thing you can begin doing is to fine-tune your vision of your ideal partner and relationship to make sure you’re screening and attracting the right kind of guy. Make sure that you have a very clear vision of what you’re looking for in a potential partner and relationship and make a list of all your needs for each. Identify those needs that are negotiable (things you’d be willing to bend on) versus those that are non-negotiable (these are deal-breakers, those things you absolutely must have or cannot have to be in the relationship). Your deal-breaker needs represent your core values and these will be the qualities and characteristics that you’ll be using to screen your new guy to make sure he matches your vision for the ideal man.
No matter how hot he is or how much you have in common, if a dating prospect doesn’t align with your vision and needs, you’ll be setting yourself up for pain and disappointment the more you invest in a future with him. You don’t want just any guy; you want the right guy!
Living a full-life is another important coping strategy for managing the “dating blues”. By engaging in activities that give you a sense of purpose, passion, and meaning, the emphasis will shift to your having a blast living your life and finding a dating partner, while still important, becomes more of a “bonus” than an “urgent need.” Explore different ways you might bring more richness and personal reward to your life. Often times, men meet their life partner by doing such purpose-driven activities because it affords them the ability to meet other men who share their higher-level values and vision…and these are the types of relationships that have the most success because of such existential commonalities.
Being visible is important, so it’s critical to immerse yourself in settings where other gay men will be no matter how disgusted you might feel at the prospect right now. Make sure the venues you select are aligned with your interests and values and work on honing savvy social skills and flirting abilities.
So hang in there, my friend, and keep the focus on things that you have control over and take stock of the things you are grateful for and that are positive in your life to stay centered on the affirmative. Good men are out there everywhere (even in Michigan!); they can just be hard to find sometimes, and you can do your part to make sure you’re at your own personal best so that when your paths eventually do cross, you’ll recognize him when he’s there and your positive energy and mindset will attract and draw him toward you. Keep persevering and enjoy! And there’s always good coaches or therapists out there to help partner with you on your journey to help provide support, accountability, and to keep on track!
I’m cheering for you,
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