Dear Coach:
I have met a GREAT guy and we spend every moment together and have a lot of fun. After 5 weeks of dating we kissed, and a week later we had non-stop sex for four days straight. His ex found out that he was starting to see a new guy (me!) and decides to mess with his head. They got into a big fight and now the ex is out of the picture again and the guy I’m seeing realizes that he was trying to sabotage him. We are still spending a lot of time together and he has asked me away on a trip for New Year’s Eve, which I have accepted.
Last night, he came over after a wonderful time spent with friends and we hung out on the sofa. As it got late he said, “I should go before I get into trouble” (trouble = sex). Have I lost him physically or do I just need to give him
time? I so long to cuddle up with him and kiss on him. It sure would be great to resume having sex again, but I’m willing to take my time. He calls every day asking to do something. We are friends, which is the foundation for a relationship…I’m just looking for more of what we had going before he had this hiccup. What do I do?
Flustered & Confused
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Dear Flustered & Confused:
Ugh, how frustrating, huh? Everything’s going along just swimmingly until you hit a speed bump and now the momentum has slowed down in your dating relationship. While it’s certainly disappointing to have to what seems like “going backwards” after having experienced such great passion with him, it’s very important to respect the pacing of where things are at right now—and actually, it may be a blessing for you.
Relationships that take off rapidly often times burn out quickly because they haven’t had enough time to develop naturally and build the necessary components of friendship and emotional intimacy that lay the foundation for a good prognosis of long-term success as partners. This lag that you are now experiencing with your guy could actually be a good thing in disguise to help steady the playing field and avoid defining the relationship solely by your sexual compatibility.
It’s very possible that your guy’s run-in with his ex-boyfriend stirred up some unresolved and residual baggage from that prior relationship and he may need more time to grieve that and gain some closure before he’ll have 100% to give to a new involvement. So if a true-blue dating relationship with him is what you seek, it would behoove you to allow him that space to work through his issues; distracting him with seduction will only serve to sabotage a potentially good thing because those issues will eventually demand his attention for resolution, and you will then be smack-dab in the middle of this drama and could really complicate things.
Let things between the two of you evolve gradually and naturally and enjoy the process. While it’s important to respect his boundaries about the degrees of closeness he’s comfortable with at this time, it’s also important not to get stuck in “the friendship trap.” This is where a couple in the beginning of attempting to date each other spend so much time together building a foundation of companionship that they end up losing the erotic spark and physical attraction that’s necessary to take things to a new level. So continue to build, nurture, and capitalize on your bonding friendship, but at the same time keep a level of sexy, playful flirtation and intrigue going in your interactions with him to keep him interested and infatuated. You want to keep letting him know in ways that are non-threatening so he doesn’t feel pressured that you are definitely interested in exploring things further. Gauge how things are going and don’t be afraid to be direct and communicate your feelings if things continue to be vague and confusing if he doesn’t seem to be mirroring back your interest, but the timing will be important.
So see how things play out through the holiday and during your trip on New Year’s Eve, as you might learn more important information by then, especially since the final holiday of the year can often times have a lot of romantic undertones with people who share reciprocal attractions for each other. If there’s still doubt beyond, there’s nothing wrong with doing a “check-in” with him at that point to see if you guys are still on the same page with your desires.
Good luck, my friend! My fingers are crossed for you, and enjoy!
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