Introduction

One of the most common concerns that come through my service from gay singles is the difficulty they speak of securing dates with quality and compatible men; and sometimes it’s even just landing a date of any kind! Invitations for sex seem more readily accessible and the frustration and disappointment is the predominant emotion experienced by these relationship-minded singles who have good heads on their shoulders and are ready and available for love, but just can’t seem to find others who mirror their desire for substance and depth in their involvements.

After a series of let-downs, it can really start messing with your sense of optimism and positive outlook. You might begin to feel jaded and develop resentments toward the whole institution of dating and the gay community, questioning whether gay relationships really can work. Worse yet, you might begin turning these attacking feelings against yourself in the form of developing beliefs that there’s something wrong or defective with you in the face of so much perceived rejection. Ouch! Stop the madness! You cannot allow all the hard work it took for you to develop and grow yourself into the solid man that you’ve become to be tampered with by the inherent challenges of dating.

                                                                                                                                                                             It’s Not You, It’s Me

So why is it so hard for gay men to meet and participate in the courtship process? What follows here is a list of reasons (and there’s probably more!) that might be contributory factors to the obstacles we encounter in our efforts to find quality partners. This list isn’t intended to further reinforce hopelessness or to make you give up on your quest and go running for the hills, but instead is offered to showcase the reality that gay dating CAN be difficult (but not insurmountable!). So before you start beating up on yourself for your absent dating life, recognize that the system of gay dating itself as it now stands holds many dysfunctional politics that make this situation more difficult for us.

* Gays supposedly make up only 10% of the total population, thereby decreasing our dating pool.

* We don’t wear the word “GAY” stamped on our foreheads; therefore, it makes things much more difficult compared to our heterosexual counterparts to determine who “plays ball on our field” when you’re out in public and can inhibit us from approaching men we find interesting.

* Due to our homophobic society, gays grow up with the threat of discrimination, ridicule, harassment, and abuse and violence. This wreaks havoc on our self-esteem, confidence, and identity. As such, our dating pool tends to possess proportionately more men struggling with mental health issues, substance abuse and other addictions, and those unable or unwilling to “come out” and achieve a sense of gay pride that would have them be more visible in the community.

* There is an absence of positive role models to emulate what healthy gay relationships look like or how they function. Unlike our heterosexual counterparts, there are no ascribed developmental tasks or rites-of-passage in adolescence to teach us how to date or honor our same-sex involvements. As such, many men feel directionless in dating and can sabotage potential relationships. Combined with internalized homophobia, fears of intimacy, and conflicts around masculinity, sexual orientation, and identity…it’s no wonder it’s so hard!

* The gay community tends to sexualize gay men, their bodies, and their relationships. Coupled with glamorizing youth, objectification is rampant and sex seems to take center stage. Until the community as a whole makes some radical changes in our views toward and portrayals of sexuality and gay eroticism, healthy dating and relationship development and maintenance will likely be challenged and overshadowed.

                                                                                                                                                                  Action Challenges

So while these systemic challenges due pose potential barriers to your dating life, they only have to have power if you allow them to do so. We are not victims; growing up gay requires significant courage, perseverance, and resilience. To survive and prosper through this means we can handle anything. Step one requires taking back personal control and refusing to allow these dating challenges and disappointments to have emotional power over you.

* Start keeping a journal and write about your dating efforts and lessons learned to watch your evolution in progress. Make a list of all the reasons why you’re a “good catch” and why it’s important to keep your head held high when things aren’t going so well. Write about the benefits of being single and what this affords you. Refer to this when you get into “funks” as a way to keep yourself motivated and centered on the positive. When you hear a quote or motivational saying that resonates with you, add this to your journal for additional affirmation and incentive.

* Since we are only in control of ourselves and cannot change other people, avoid blaming “the system” or other gay men for the current state-of-affairs as they are. It’s much more productive to focus more on yourself and dig deep to identify any potential areas where you might be contributing to difficulties. For some ideas on where to get started with this, check out my article on “Am I Mr. Right?” here: https://thegaylovecoach.com/2008/03/am-i-mr-right/ and break out your journal and start writing and tackling those issues that will improve your quality-of-life.

* A recent survey I took indicated that the vast majority of gay men do not initiate conversations with gay men they find attractive, preferring instead to take the passive stance of waiting for others to approach them. Huge mistake! Imagine how many relationships could have started had these men made the first move. Make it a habit every time you go out to initiate conversations with at least one person. If this is a scary thought, take a class in public speaking or join your local Toast Masters club for practice. This very important social skill could really give your dating life that extra boost!

* Be visible in as many different venues as you can. Live your life to the max and join as many social groups, classes, volunteer activities, and events that cater to your hobbies that will get you into the mix with other gay men. If you happen to meet someone special there…bonus! Go into these situations with no expectation of outcome (and that won’t be difficult because you’re in a venue doing something you love to do!). If you have a personals ad, make sure you have a captivating headline that draws attention and make sure your personal requirements for a partner and relationship are sprinkled throughout the content to screen appropriate candidates better. Heck, could even start your own gay singles support group or recreation club in your own community. All it takes is some creativity and imagination!

* Alone we can’t change unhealthy scripts in the gay community, but one person at a time and banding together can create a shift in eradicating stereotypes, objectification, and creating value in relationships and intimacy. Is there anything that you’re willing to do to make that impact?

                                                                                                                                                              Conclusion

Being single has its pros and cons just like anything else. The trick is to make the most of this time of your life and to view it as an opportunity rather than a liability and explore different ways you can bring more meaning and purpose to your life rather than defining success around having a boyfriend. When that time comes, it will make the experience that much more rewarding and fulfilling. It absolutely can make you go stark-raving-mad when that guy doesn’t call you back when he says he will or if it doesn’t seem like you’ll ever meet a guy who wants more than just sex. The point is to acknowledge these feelings, but then redirect yourself and reframe this by recognizing the disguised blessing in these happenings–this void may actually be preparing you for when the right time does come and has just freed you from missing out on such a potential opportunity. By taking control of your dating life and living a rich and enjoyable lifestyle, you’ll have the power to cope with dating woes and view them from a more positive perspective.

© Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

www.thegaylovecoach.com

This particular article is not for re-publication in other e-zines, magazines, or websites as OneGoodLove.com owns the rights to this material in partnership. Any questions or consent to do is required by that organization.

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