I’ve been dating a guy for a few months who I like a lot. The problem is he’s older, makes a ton more money than I do, and I can’t help but be reminded of that every time we do anything together. He wants to travel … I can’t afford to go where he wants. We go to fancy restaurants and he has to pay. How can I tell him I like him, but we need to do things more on the level of my pay grade?
Answer:
Communication is key in relationships and your boyfriend won’t know how you feel and will likely continue this behavior until you give voice to your concerns. Your discomfort could also convert to resentment over the long-term, and this could potentially sabotage a possibly good relationship. It’s important to be assertive and directly express your needs and feelings to him. “I” messages are a great communication technique for phrasing what you want to say in an assertive, succinct way. The model goes as such: “I feel _____ when you _____ because _____, so instead I’d prefer _____.” In your situation, it might sound something like: “I feel uncomfortable when you take me out on luxurious dates because I can’t afford the same lifestyle at this time and would like to contribute, so instead I’d prefer we choose activities that are more in line with my pay grade.” When spoken in this manner, you are being honest with your feelings and taking responsibility for them, are not criticizing or attacking him because you’re focusing on how his behavior affects you (not him as a person), and you’re sticking up for yourself by asking for what you want. You’re also setting the stage for more constructive dialogue to continue in a non-defensive fashion.
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