Dear Coach:
My best friend is Caucasian and he has historically had a really hard time getting a date. He tried your coaching suggestions and it worked for him—he met a great guy and things are going quite well for them. I tried the same things that he did, but it didn’t work out the same for me. I’m still single and looking with no prospects in the near future. I’m mixed African American and Asian and am wondering if the rules are different being a person of color. What do you think?
Dear Friend:
I’m sorry to hear that your dating efforts haven’t been as fruitful as your friend who you’d indicated had benefited from some of my advice. Your question is an interesting one concerning the role your ethnicity may play in the pursuit of compatible dating partners. The beauty of the gay community is that we are a melting pot of diversity with many different types of men to choose from. Granted, the research has always claimed that we gay folk represent only 10-percent of the population, so therefore the pool of available partners obviously gets cut. Additionally, just like with heterosexuals, we gay men also have our own preferences and tastes in terms of what “type” of man we find appealing, and this can be another factor to a slimmer available dating pool.
It’s difficult to ascertain why your friend was successful in his dating efforts compared to your attempts, but I would gander that it probably has little to do with ethnicity. Attraction is a powerful and elusive thing and nobody can definitively explain with absolute certainty why and with whom we fall in love. It is true that some guys may not be interested in a dating relationship with someone because of their racial or ethnic background as it pertains to their personal requirements for a partner or relationship, but it is also true that that same racial or ethnic heritages may be a huge turn-on or deciding factor for other men in whom they are attracted and choose to date. It is probable that some people will not date someone of another race due to fear, discrimination and prejudice, but you wouldn’t want to get involved with these guys anyway! Just like with anybody in the dating world, finding suitable others for companionship and relationship-building can be a challenge for all parties involved, regardless of their race or nationality. So in short, getting a date really has more to do with attraction, availability, accessibility, visibility, and good social skills and savviness. Having solid self-esteem as it pertains to your gender, being gay, being single, and having pride in one’s ethnic identity are also crucial factors in being “a good catch” and honoring yourself.
I believe that issues with race and ethnicity can become more overt in the relationship dynamics of a couple once they’ve started dating. Every culture has its own set of beliefs, values, norms, and mores by which people will ascribe to in varying levels; the more Americanized a person from another ethnic background is, it would be assumed the less conflict could be anticipated when it comes to commitment toward certain cultural traditions. There would be less need for negotiation between the couple because they have a more shared and similar belief system from which they operate. Guys who come together from different backgrounds, however, can bring much richness, depth, and variety to their relationships and a healthy foundation of communication and compromise will be needed, just like in any partnership. As with any dating relationship, it will be important in the very beginning stages of your interactions that you screen the significance that multi-cultural differences may have and to ensure the two of you share comparable values.
Dating is not a science. While it does require a lot of preparation with emotional readiness and skill acquisition, a degree of luck is sometimes involved as well. All I can encourage you to do, my friend, is to hang in there and keep trying! While finding someone compatible may have happened more quickly for your friend, for many others it can take a long time. The key is to persevere and keep using the skills, as this will promote your chances for success. At the same time, keep living a full life and expand your identity by finding fulfillment in other areas outside of dating to avoid putting all your investment and dependency of happiness in relationships. And then, when Mr. Right does come along, he’ll be an added bonus to your already contented life! I wish you much success with your quest!
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On May 09, 11 at 4:51pm, Jay said...
I’m having the same issue…. I’m a 27 year old British Indian guy in London . I’m confident, outgoing and attractive..For the past 7 years I’ve lived in two of England’s largest cities; London and Manchester, with gay ‘communities on my doorstep, yet througout this time I have remained single and faced rejection from guys.
Althought my experiences will not be too disimilar to other young gay guys in the UK, all of my white gay peers have all had several long terms partners and have far more luck dating than I do.
Regardless what our ‘love coach’ says about this matter, it is much harder for us men of colour. Looking at my straight peers (white or south asian) very few of them are in inter-racial relationships, so its not suprising that preferences will be similar in the gay world. People generally prefer people similar to themselves and regardless of how poltically correct or ‘flufy’ we try to be about this, ethnicity strongly influences this.
What I find frustrating is that my Black and South Asian counter- parts in the straight world, have plenty of prospective partners they can choose from within their own race and have no need to deal with the issues of our majority white society. Most of my Indian and Pakistani peers are thinking about marriage or in stable meaningfull relationships, while I have the odd one-night stand or internet date which more often than not is just a one-off. With so much baggage that comes with being gay in our conservative culture I find that there are relatively very few ‘out’ Indian men I can choose from.
It really has knocked my confidence…More worryingly, feeling marginlised by the conservative Indian community and having tried hard to date in the largely white gay scene; where brown men are largeley ignored, invisible but fetishised by a few men, I have shamefully started to loose that strong sense of racial and cultural pride I grew up with…
On October 19, 16 at 7:43pm, Rob said...
I am a white guy now 51. I came out at 18. I do not date other white guys and I have dated Asian Latin and Indian guys. I am married to an Indian guy I met on line that I flew from the USA to India to meet in person. I have traveled to all of Latin America from the age of 18. I also only date uncut men so for me race does not matter. We are working on doing seragacy and having Indian/ white children. My husband’s English was very bad at first but most men I have dated have had heavy accents.
I also like the collegiate look in most races.
There is a guy out there that likes you for you.