Dear Coach:
I recently broke up with my boyfriend of two years. We tried to work out our differences, but to no avail, so I decided to call things off realizing that it was going to work out in the end. The thing is, I haven’t really been experiencing those long sleepless nights of crying myself to sleep and feeling miserable. Is this normal or am I just cold-hearted and incapable of loving and being loved by someone?
Free At Last
Dear Free At Last:
All breakups do not have to be drama-filled, tear-jerking, crisis scenarios—that’s a myth. My short and quick answer to your question about your reaction to your own relationship termination is that it doesn’t necessarily signify that there is anything wrong.
Regardless of whether you’re an initiator or the victim of a breakup, both parties go through their own grieving process as they attempt to make sense of the loss and cope with the transitions that follow. Particularly since you were the initiator, you were likely going through your grieving process much earlier on than your boyfriend was. Typically, the initiator has been contemplating leaving for some time before actually following through with these thoughts, and it is during this time that he begins to grieve, “let go”, and ready himself for taking the action. It sounds like this may be the case with you, in that you had been thinking about it and preparing for “The Day.” Your boyfriend, especially if he didn’t see it coming, would likely have a more severe reaction…firstly just due to the fact of being on the receiving end, but also because he didn’t have any prep-time to grieve in the way that you did.
Your lack of intense emotion about your breakup is probably attributed to the fact that you had begun to mentally check-out from the relationship months before and had already started “letting go”; this can buffer you from the trauma usually felt in the aftermath of a split-up. However, how you deal with feelings and emotions in general would be more indicative of “red flags” if you find that you tend to be indifferent, “flat”, and uncaring/unresponsive across the board in most areas of your life. If this is the case, I would encourage you to read books on emotional intelligence or enlist the services of a trained therapist to help you understand what blocks you from your ability to feel so you can learn how to become more expressive and attuned to your emotions, a very important skill that helps you enjoy life and navigate relationships with others more positively with better outcomes. There could be deeper issues lurking below the surface if this is the case that will need attention.
Otherwise, honor yourself for having made a choice that you believe was in your best interest and begin the process of rebuilding a new life and identity for yourself (it’s still an adjustment even though this is what you wanted!). Demonstrate empathy for your ex in the position he is in so you can practice validation and taking the perspective of the other, which will help you greatly in your next relationship.
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