Dear Coach:
I’m wondering how to deal with dating someone who still lives at home with his parents and is not “out.” He is in his 40’s, identifies himself as bisexual, and we have a “sex bud” arrangement going. I really like him a lot and wish we could become more serious and possibly have a relationship…but he’s in the closet about his sexuality. He won’t tell his parents or close friends about our relationship. Should I try to talk to him about how I really feel about him or do I first have him decide if he wants to come out to his friends and family, and should I help him along?
Dating A Bisexual
Dear Dating A Bisexual:
Thanks for writing! I’m sorry to hear about the quandary you’re in with your love interest and you are definitely in a very challenging position. Dating someone who is “in the closet” can be extremely difficult if you yourself are “out”. Typically closeted individuals fare better in relationships with other men who are closeted because they both tend to be in the same place developmentally and both are more “on the same page” in respect to the boundaries of the relationship and the depth of the intimacy that will be built and how it will be expressed both internally as a couple and publicly. If you yourself are “out” in some capacity, your involvement with this gentleman is more likely to cause you and your boyfriend some friction in your relationship because of the discrepant needs that you each have, not to mention your own frustration at realizing that being with him actually forces you back “into the closet” to an extent because of the constraints that he puts on your ability to be expressive about this important aspect of your life. So please just be mindful that there are extra challenges involved in this type of dating arrangement; and while some of these relationships do work, you will have to be willing to sacrifice parts of your identity and will have to lead a less uninhibited life that you might ordinarily enjoy as a result of the parameters this kind of closeted relationship would require. It might also be important for you to explore the origins behind your particular partner choice—he is someone who is not truly emotionally available for a relationship because of his identity conflicts. What does this mean and say about you in terms of possible underlying dynamics you might want to address on your own. Are there possible intimacy issues that you may have that hold you back from engaging with someone who would be available or at your particular level of development? Just something to think about! You will also have to determine if this relationship with your love interest holds you back more from accomplishing your life goals and dreams or if it provides you with the right amount of enrichment you’re looking for.
Your friend’s closeted lifestyle choice is purely his responsibility, not yours. While he may actually be bisexual, there’s also the possibility that he has a true homosexual orientation that he just feels more comfortable labeling himself as bisexual at this stage of his coming-to-terms-with-his-sexual-identity. His decision to not face his issues directly or “come out” to his family at this time is his choice alone and under no circumstances should you take this task on yourself. Everyone has the right to choose whether they will “come out”, when, and to whom. You’ll have to follow his lead. The fact that you want him to speak to his family is a sign already that you yourself are already feeling the negative consequences of dating someone closeted and you have to be careful that you don’t push him according to your own agenda. Your choice to be with him means that you have to accept him for who and where he is emotionally.
My recommendation to you would be to have a conversation with him about your feelings. Communicate to him how you feel and how much he means to you and help him see the vision of where you’d like your relationship to go. Have him respond to this disclosure to see if he’s receptive to this plan or if he wants to just keep things status quo and remain purely sex buds. You’ll get a wealth of information about where his head is at just by the way he responds to your disclosure. If he wants to keep things the way they are, you will need to decide for yourself if you will be ok with that. Will you be able to maintain an ongoing sexual relationship with him and temper your feelings of attraction for “more than just friends” with him? If you can separate sex from emotion, this scenario could work and you’ll have to keep strict boundaries with yourself. If you do not believe you’d be able to do that, perhaps continuing the relationship would be too painful for you and you might either need to downshift to a “just friends with no sex” relationship or terminate contact altogether. Also, if he wishes to keep things as is and you decide to continue your sexual relationship, you will need to respect his decision to remain closeted and offer him solicited support along the way.
If he is open to pursuing a deeper connection with you, I would suggest talking about what you each feel are the strengths and weaknesses that exist in your relationship thus far. You can then segue into a conversation about how the differences in your “coming out” stages pose certain problems and discuss the benefits of being “out”, etc. You’ll have to work together as a team at that point, but everything about coming out will need to be on his initiative and at his own pace.
So there you have it, my friend. A lot to think about! And one other caution…it’s common when sharing one’s feelings about the desire for a deeper relationship with someone who is closeted for that individual to experience a “freak-out” moment; the idea of a step-up of intimacy and all the risks involved can frighten him and sometimes such men have been known to break-up even the sex-bud relationship because of overwhelm. If you choose to talk to him about your feelings, just be aware that this type of scenario also exists and just be very careful with your approach. But again, it will also tell you a lot about who he is and what his true long-term vision is where you are concerned.
I wish you the best with this! Oh, and one more thing– most importantly, make sure you spend some time getting to know your own needs and values. What do you want out of life and what are your negotiable and non-negotiable needs for a partner and relationship? Let these personal guiding principles aid you in your decision-making about who would be a compatible guy for you to date and mate with, whether it be your current love interest or someone else. Just be true to yourself and be happy!
The Gay Love Coach
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