Dear Coach:
There’s a guy that I’ve known for about a year and I always found him attractive but never said anything to him because he was in a relationship. About a month ago he told me that his prior relationship was over and since then we’d begun hanging out on a regular basis, up to 3-4x a week. I was really feeling like I was getting to know him and liked what I saw. During this time we also started to share secrets and kissed about 6 times.
A few days ago he told me that he just got into a relationship with another guy. I am very confused because he didn’t even tell me he was seeing anyone else. The issue that I have is that I still like him; the fact that he didn’t tell me about the other dude should make me want to push away from him, but it doesn’t. What should I do? Should I come out and spill my heart to him or just say nothing? I really thought he liked me too. Why would he keep the other guy a secret and continue to kiss me if he had no feelings toward me?
Confused
Dear Confused:
Ugh! What a frustrating and perplexing thing to go through—I hear you! By the picture you painted, it seemed like the two of you were enjoying each other’s company and beginning to get closer. You were spending more and more time together and began to share intimate moments of closeness. And then bam—the rug gets pulled out from under you! I’m sorry for your disappointment about this loss. It would have been nice had your guy been honest with you from the outset about his intentions before he got involved with you.
Several things could have been going on here. Perhaps he is one of those guys who dates multiple people at the same time and didn’t feel that he owed you that truth since you’d only been dating for a month. Perhaps he is one of those infamous “player-types” who got off on being able to manipulate you and then cuts you out once he knows he’s gotten you interested. Maybe he’s having a hard time with his breakup from his prior partner and is acting-out his pain by pooling through a series of men in reckless abandon. Or it could be that he started to like you too and he became “freaked out” by this due to intimacy issues and other fears and had to move to another person who felt “safer” to him. The possibilities are endless and you’ll probably never know the real reason; try to avoid “crazymaking” by trying to pinpoint a specific reason because it won’t change the outcome and the real truth lies with the other guy. All you can go on is his behavior and make your choices from there.
It’s understandable that you would still have strong feelings of attraction for him despite the way he treated you. We can’t control this chemistry thing! Your next step is to try and find a way to gain some closure on this. The reality is that he has moved on to someone else and the probability that you’ll be able to convince him back is usually a low prognosis. One option you have is to communicate to him your true feelings and to let him know how his behavior has affected you and what you would have preferred. This option carries a lot of risk, however, in that it forces you into a position of vulnerability and you have to decide if you’re strong enough emotionally to withstand another rejection from him if he goes that route. At the same time, he may be receptive to what you have to say..who knows? There are no guarantees and you have to make a decision based on the risk levels and what you can live with.
You have to decide for yourself how big an indiscretion this was for you. He could have been more up front with you, however the two of you did not have a commitment and had only been seeing each other a month. Maybe he didn’t share the intensity of feelings that you did and therefore didn’t think it was necessary to share with you his extracurricular activities.
This experience has taught you the importance of communication and speaking early on in an involvement with someone about what their expectations, needs, and dating styles and preferences are all about to make sure they are in alignment with your own to avoid any potential conflicts and hurt feelings in the future. This appears to be an important value for you, if not something you may have just learned about yourself just now after this experience. That would be my recommendation for you for the future, as well as the importance of your grieving this loss if you decide to move on and heal the pain this caused for you. Since we can’t change other people, try to examine what role you potentially may have played in this problem and to explore the reasons why you might want to get back together with someone who didn’t communicate his true intentions and made you feel deceived. What does this say about you? Try to discover the answer to that and begin to work on healing that wound (a self-esteem issue, fear of abandonment, loneliness, loss of control, etc.).
I wish you the best with this situation, my friend. Hang in there and realize that you deserve to be with someone who values communication, honesty, responsibility, and integrity. Don’t sacrifice your own values just for the sake of being with someone either, as that usually comes back to bite you later. Be well!
All my support,
The Gay Love Coach
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