Dear Coach:
I would like some advice on how to attract the guy I have an eye on. I just found out that he’s into older guys and I’m younger. Should I give up hope now or give it my best shot to see if I can draw his attention?
Smitten
Dear Smitten:
Sounds like you’re really into this guy in a big way! Just because your love interest is into older guys doesn’t necessarily mean you should throw in the towel just yet. While it is true that many people tend not to stray from their “type”, this is not always the case. So there still is some hope here for you with him, however I encourage you to be realistic and guarded by not investing a lot in the outcome. If he tends to be one of those guys who doesn’t date anybody outside of his “type” (which in his case is older men), you’ll be more able to cope with your disappointment and not get as hurt if it doesn’t end up the way you hope. So I say go for it on a time-limited basis, but make sure to have some boundaries with yourself and don’t put all your emphasis on him. Keep living your life to the max and keep yourself available and open to other possible dating opportunities with others.
The best way to attract somebody is to just be yourself. Qualities that people typically find attractive are confidence, high self-esteem, a well-kept appearance, and a full, active life. It’s important that you be who you truly are and avoid acting or being the way that you think he would want you to be. Molding yourself into something you think someone else wants is a guarantee of relationship failure because of broken trust and codependency.
Start becoming more involved in his life. Increase the number of interactions you have with him and first focus on developing a friendship. You’ll need to see if you’re compatible first and friendship is a good foundation to set in this initial stage. Be attentive to him, show interest in what he has to say, and share experiences with him socially to begin building a bond. Gradually introduce some subtle, non-threatening flirting with occasional nonsexual physical touch (example= when you laugh, put your hand on his arm, or give him a squeeze on the shoulder when you walk past him in conversation). You’ll be able to see how responsive he is to these gestures. As time goes on, you’ll be able to see if he shares your attraction. If after a period of time, you’re still unsure, you could always take the risk of telling him how you feel; this could make the friendship awkward or even sever it if he doesn’t feel the same way, so be mindful of that possibility.
So see how it goes! If it works out for you, wooohooo! If not, just know that it’s not a personal rejection as you knew before you even started pursuing him that he tends to be more attracted to older guys. No matter how this turns out, you’ll still come out ok because your efforts yielded you the information you needed to know and you can move forward with that. Pace yourself, don’t come on too strong, and don’t be obsessive. As you get to know him better, make sure he matches your vision and requirements for a partner and relationship. Don’t put all your eggs in this one basket and make sure that you stay open to other possibilities and focus on becoming even more “dateable” than you already are. Good luck with this, my friend!
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