Dear Coach:
I broke up with my partner about 9 months ago because he was being very destructive in the sense he was drinking a lot and staying out late to avoid me and his life. We’re trying to work on being friends now at this time. My question is, how does one work on getting over and trusting someone who says they are getting their life back on track? The thing is, I don’t believe that’s really the case because he’s not strong enough to deal with all of these issues. I don’t love my ex anymore and don’t want to get back with him, but I do care for him and I want him to get better. He has the ability to be such an amazing guy. How do I get him to see that?
Concerned Ex
Dear Concerned Ex:
Thanks for writing. I applaud you for making what I imagine was a very difficult decision for you when you left your boyfriend 9 months ago. It sounds like he was going down a self-destructive path and your breakup marked your taking care of yourself and refusing to be a part of his downward spiral. That takes great self-esteem on your part, not to mention that continuing to stay may have hurt you even more in the long run and potentially could have enabled and reinforced his problem behaviors depending on the dynamics in your relationship. So you did the right thing it seems by being assertive and being true to your values and needs.
Trusting again may be difficult initially. You were hurt by what transpired and will need time to grieve the loss of the relationship and process your feelings about what happened. In time, and with your re-investment in a new life for yourself, you will begin to feel more comfortable taking risks and letting your guard down with others who have demonstrated honesty via congruence between their words and actions; this will be earned. Knowledge of your personal requirements, needs, wants, and goals will help you screen appropriate people to surround yourself with. Be sure to take stock of some of the ways you yourself may have contributed to the problems in your relationship with your ex so you can get to work at addressing and resolving these issues so you don’t repeat these patterns again in future relationships. That will also help build trust and confidence.
Your concern for your ex really comes through. While your heart appears in the right place, be careful and make sure to exercise good boundaries. Your breakup is still fresh and without adequate time apart to redefine new identities, you’re still vulnerable to replaying old scripts with each other (especially him since he still sounds stuck). Is this a healthy friendship for you to be in right now with the way things stand? If you’re going to remain friends, define your limits with each other clearly and be careful that you don’t get sucked back in and take responsibility for issues he needs to be accountable for. Offer your support and be a good listener. BE THERE without DOING FOR.
While it sounds like your ex could benefit from some professional help based on your description, unfortunately we can’t make or control other people to do anything, even if it would be in their best interests. He is responsible for his own behavior and choices, not you. At best, all you can really do is offer your opinions and feedback about what you’re observing (asking him first if he’d like to hear your concerns) and provide some possible referrals. Additionally, you could gather together all the people that make up his support system and have a group “intervention” in which you all as a team confront him together on his behavior, share how his actions have affected you all, point out consequences, and share concerns. This is a common technique in addictions treatment and I would recommend you meet with a licensed counselor for some short-term sessions if you choose this option so you can be taught how to conduct an “intervention” properly; it can be risky if not done the right way.
In closing, I offer you a question to ponder. Who is most invested in your ex getting better and improving himself? You or him? If the answer is you, consider that you may be doing most of the work here and are susceptible to getting trapped in a codependent situation. Make sure your current behavior isn’t enabling or reinforcing his acting-out and realize that he must be invested in his own growth before any real change can happen. You can’t rescue him from himself—he has to make that move himself. Have you forgiven yourself? Forgiven him? Work on this as well and throughout your grieving and adjustment process, work on reducing the amount of emotional power this situation may have on you so you can REALLY begin living your new life on a clean slate with lots of possibility ahead!
All my best to you!
–The Gay Love Coach
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