I was recently approached a couple months back by the writer of an online dating website at msn.com requesting some information for possible inclusion in an article she was writing on how to manage a new dating relationship when the other person experiences some kind of life crisis. This can be a very delicate situation and what follows here are some thoughts I contributed on the matter…
It can be an extremely difficult and uncomfortable position to be in when someone you just start dating experiences some kind of crisis or loss in his life. On the one hand, your human desire to reach out and help and comfort gets kicked in, yet on the other hand, you don’t really know this person very well yet to know how to appropriately respond. In general, crisis is a scary thing that most would rather just avoid. But you’re interested in this person and want to be there for him…so what do you do in such a helpless position?
I believe the key is striking a balance between compassion and boundaries. Because your dating relationship is so new and you haven’t established enough intimacy like the relationships that likely exists in his support system (eg. family/friends), you want to avoid doing too much intervention into their problem as you could come off appearing controlling, judgmental, and inappropriate. Though you may feel the urge, it’s not your place to try and “fix” things, and you can’t. Not only this, but without boundaries, you can easily get sucked into their problems as well and then become part of the issue.
The best thing you can do in this situation is to just listen. Show your dating prospect that you care by being available to him and being a good listener, not offering any feedback or opinions unless asked, and even then be careful with your boundaries. Mirror back what he says and demonstrate through your words empathy and validation for their experience. Acknowledge what he’s going through. Avoid saying things like “everything will be ok” and “that happened to me once.” These provide false assurances and can come off as “fake”, “artificial”, and even uncaring. Crisis makes us uncomfortable, so don’t feel pressured to say anything…just be there, be accepting and patient, and provide a good listening ear.
When someone is in crisis, it’s important that he has as much of a normal routine and structure to his life as possible to help create more stabilization. As a new dating partner, you can offer to take him out to keep him busy and do things that would provide as much fun, relaxation, and activity that he is able to tolerate at the moment; if you are declined, respect his need for space. One very important thing to keep in mind is that the crisis will likely postpone and delay the development of your dating relationship together. He must be allowed time to grieve and process his feelings about the crisis or loss, not to mention a subsequent problem-solving stage will occur, so being patient and understanding will be critical should you decide to continue seeing this person as things can’t be rushed. Other things you might be able to do to show your support might be to show you care by acknowledging their “tough time” with a momento (card, flowers, etc.) or offering them a referral to some kind of resource you’re aware of that’s in alignment with their particular issue-at-hand; but again, it’s important to ask their interest in a referral first rather than soliciting it.
–The Gay Love Coach
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