Dear Coach:
My partner of 16 years and I have decided to break up, yet still live together as roommates. It’s not as easy as I thought it would be, however. I’m honestly not sure where I want to be right now. Do I want to work it out with him? Or am I just too afraid to strike out on my own? I’ve gone on a couple dates, but there was no real spark. Is it too soon for me to be dating? I just don’t know what I want from life.
I’ll be turning 40 later this year and want to have things figured out by then. Help!Trapped In Transition
Dear Trapped:
I’m sorry to hear about your current situation; I can only imagine how confused and disoriented you must feel. Not only are you grieving for the loss of your long-term relationship that you were invested in, but continuing to live under the same roof as your partner has got to be distressing with all the triggers around you, let alone how to interact with him in this new capacity. This is an extremely difficult transition period, so just know that the emotions you’re experiencing are normal and that you will survive this with some focus and determination!
Without knowing the details surrounding your breakup, my advice to you for starters is to breathe! After 16 years together, this can be a major jolt to your system as everything you thought your future was going to be is now turned upside down and your identity is in flux. Your first priority right now needs to be to yourself. Take the emphasis off of your relationship and the racing thoughts about what you’re going to do with all these decisions and begin paying more attention to yourself and your needs. It’s dangerous and risky to make life-changing decisions in the aftermath of a breakup (you’re probably still numb and in shock, reeling from everything that’s happened and it’s difficult to be clear in our thinking during such times). Devote yourself to self-care through such things as exercise, relaxation techniques, reaching out to friends and building your support system, engaging in hobbies or contributing your talents into some kind of positive outlet, etc. The goal is to get yourself to a point where you’re more grounded and centered so you can make choices that are aligned with your vision of what you want your life to be like here on out.
During this time of adjustment, be careful about dating too soon. It’s important to first grieve your past relationship before you’ll be able to be fully present or capable of emotional intimacy with someone else. It’s ok to meet new people for companionship and friendship, but make sure everybody is on the same page about intentions. You’ll also need to keep boundaries with your partner living in the same domain until you can figure out what you want to do. His physical presence, and all the memories and history that the two of you share together, can be quite triggering and distracting. You’re at a crossroads right now and almost need to be selfish for the time being… and that’s ok. You may need to limit your contact with him or even separate from the home until you can feel comfortable; it can be extremely difficult to “downshift” from life partner to roommate/friend. So if you can’t or don’t want to move out, try to identify ways to minimize these triggers and communicate with each other about this.
If you’re confused about the stay with him vs. leave him dilemma, you might want to create a pros and cons list for each option and develop a vision and needs list to determine if this relationship is a true goodness-of-fit for you. Ask yourself such questions as “What’s missing in my life?” “Am I running away or toward something?” “What’s blocking me from being able to make a decision?” etc. It’s truly a time to do a complete life assessment and examination. While 40 is just around the corner, don’t let that rush you. It’s important to pace yourself so you don’t sabotage your goals as you create them.
It’s difficult in a letter to give full understanding and guidance on your next steps, but I encourage you to first focus on taking care of YOU through grieving your losses, through adequate self-care, and grounding yourself. This will lead to a solid foundation that’s needed for you to then clearly discover who you are, what you stand for, what makes you tick, and what you really need and want for yourself to have a fulfilling future. You might want to enlist the services of a coach or therapist to help you through this life assessment and visioning process and do some reading on books related to relationship loss and breakups.
All my best to you with this challenging decision! While this all seems overwhelming to you now, try to reframe what you’re experiencing as a golden opportunity for you to now craft the kind of life that you’ve always wanted and go for it!
–The Gay Love Coach
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