Dear Coach:
There’s this new guy at work and I find him to be very cute! I’m always staring at him and want to ask him on a date so bad. My friend decided to help me find out if he’s gay or not so she told me she went up to him and asked him if he has a girlfriend and he replied, “No, I’m ga…”. My friend then said he looked like he had caught himself and then looked real embarrassed. She then asked him if he has a boyfriend and he responded with a weak laugh and then walked away. I’d like to know for sure if he meant “ga” as gay or as in something else. Plus, I’m not ready to let people know about my sexuality yet, so I don’t want to be asking the wrong person out and have him expose my homosexuality. So my question is, how do you tell if someone is gay or not? How can I find out if this guy is gay? Can you find out if a person is gay by the way they dress? I’d also like to know if dating a man is different than being with a woman. This is all new to me as I’ve never been in a gay relationship before. Thanks for your time and help!
Curious
Dear Curious:
Thanks for writing! I can certainly appreciate the dilemma you have on your hands. You must be so distracted at work! Unfortunately, the advice I have for you will probably not clear up your confusion about your new love interest’s sexual orientation. There is no way to tell if someone is gay by his appearance, mannerisms, or by the way he dresses. There are a lot of stereotypes out there about identifying a man as homosexual if he’s effeminate, walks with a “swish”, has all female friends, isn’t interested in sports, etc. But these are all myths; certainly there are some gay men who display these characteristics, but a lot of straight men do too, and it’s dangerous to generalize and make assumptions based on this. A lot of gays and lesbians develop “gaydar”, an intuitive sixth sense about someone’s orientation, but it would be a mistake to conclude these feelings as valid or proof either.
I would caution you not to assume this guy is gay until you have more evidence, no matter how much your gut tells you otherwise. Especially with your not being “out” and wanting to protect your privacy, it’s probably not worth the risk to directly ask him, as there’s no telling how he’ll respond and what the potential consequences could be. But all is not doomed here, my friend! There are a few options available to you.
First, you could let some time go by and perhaps he may disclose his sexuality to you, or others, on his own once he gets more adjusted to his new work environment and gets to know his co-workers better. This may take a long time though and will prolong your agony, not to mention he may never say anything. Second, you could try some subtle flirting with him. Shoot him a quick glance with a playful smile and turn away, glance back, turn away, glance back again to see if he continues to return your eye contact; you’ll be able to tell if he’s signaling interest or not through this perhaps. But again, there would be a risk involved if you decided to approach him based solely on flirting exchanges, so be careful. I would recommend the third option, which is to befriend him and ask him if he’d like to “hang out” sometime and see what he says. This takes the pressure off of dating and allows for the two of you to slowly build a friendship and see if you’re compatible as friends first. Then, over time, as your friendship and the intimacy deepens between the two of you, you’ll have more of a foundation of trust established. If he’s gay, he might then feel more comfortable sharing that with you once you have more of a bond and/or he’ll drop hints. Either that, or you yourself might feel more comfortable being bold and asking him directly because you’ll be in a better position to assess his trustworthiness and keeping things private. And if you find out he’s straight, well, you’ve made a good friend along the way as you go back to the drawing board!
And yes, dating a man is quite different than dating a woman. Our straight counterparts have ascribed roles (though that’s changing!) when it comes to dating and relationships; they were given the opportunity as young teens to practice and experiment with dating openly. While the dating rituals can be comparable with straights and gays, often times gay men make up their own rules as they go along because we weren’t taught how to date another man and lack role models. The dynamics of man-to-man relationships are very different too. As men, we’ve been socialized to be strong, compete, and to be more action/achievement-oriented than communicative/feelings-oriented. Put two men together who’ve been conditioned this way and it can create some very interesting dynamics. Gay relationships do work and do prosper! This is a very complex issue and I encourage you to read up on the literature that’s out there to educate yourself further on issues related to being gay.
I wish you all the best with your quest, Curious! I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you that this turns out in your favor!
–The Gay Love Coach
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