Dear Coach,
Hello. I’m in love with a man that has hurt me a lot and I don’t know what to do. He was my boss and I had to quit my job right there so that we could be together. As time went on in our relationship, a lot of issues started coming out. I found out he had a drinking problem and that he wasn’t completely “out of the closet.” We never went out on dates and the sex stopped after the first year. I wanted to give up so badly but something inside me wouldn’t let that happen. He eventually broke up with me and I was so crushed. Since then, we’ve had a series of breakups and reunions. But nothing’s changed. We’ve just recently had another breakup, still have frequent contact, and I can’t seem to let go. I’m so fed up with it, but I love him very much and I can’t leave him. What can I do to not feel this way about him? I’m tired of being hurt, tired of having to walk on eggshells with him, tired of the lies. What should I do?
Lost
Dear Lost:
Ouch! Sounds like you’ve been on an emotional roller coaster ride this past year and you are ready to get off! I can appreciate your feeling torn here; on the one hand, it appears that you have deep feelings for this man and can’t imagine not having him in your life as he’s made a significant impact upon you. On the other hand, the stress that this relationship has brought to your life also seems overwhelming and probably zaps a lot of your energy and concentration that can be distracting. These situations are never easy, particularly since the decision you make will have a large impact on the direction your future will take.
You appear very insightful and in touch with your feelings. I applaud your desire to take care of yourself and despite your strong connection to this man, you’ve been able to recognize how hurtful and defeating the relationship has been for you. One of the most important things to do for yourself right now is to relax. Your anxiety about what to do can get in the way of your being able to make a sound decision, so please make sure that you practice lots of relaxation techniques and exercise or work-out to release some of this draining stress.
It sounds like your male-friend is going through a rough time and struggling with a lot of identity issues, self-medicating with alcohol to help “take the edge off” his stress and pain. The repetitive push-pull dynamic that you’ve seen in your relationship is very common when someone is hurting to this extent. It’s probable that he is very confused about his identity, needs, and wants and he has broken up with you in an effort to cope with this.
Unfortunately, it sounds like you’ve joined him in his own roller coaster ride of confusion. It’s very important that you clearly see that his confusion is HIS issue and in order to protect yourself from that confusion, you must set boundaries, otherwise you will continue to get sucked into his issues. There is no doubt that he has caring feelings for you as well, but until he is able to stabilize his life (which is his responsibility, not yours), the prognosis for his being able to maintain a healthy relationship is not good. Until he can integrate a solid sense of self and pride in being gay, as well as eliminating any addictive behavior (e.g. alcoholism), he will likely continue to flip-flop. You can support him, but his overcoming these issues is his responsibility and it’s important that you set limits with yourself to avoid rescuing or enabling him. This is also called codependency.
While it does happen in the gay community all the time, it is extremely difficult to downshift from an intimate relationship to a strict friendship, especially as fresh as your breakup has been. It is still possible, of course, but it does not appear that you have had sufficient time to grieve the loss of your intimate relationship with him and this will make things more difficult and painful for you. Setting boundaries would entail a few possible scenarios:
(1) Take some time apart (6mos+) without any contact to allow grieving and personal growth…regroup later to see if you are comfortable having a friendship/relationship
(2) Identify who you are and what your needs are for a friendship with this man and create some “ground rules” for how you would like your interactions to be as friends
(3) Terminate the relationship altogether and seek more compatible dating partners.
You will probably not be able to “turn off” your feelings for him. He has been too special and significant to you. Your most important goal right now would be to focus on yourself and take the emphasis off of him and do what you need to do to take care of yourself and protect yourself. You are not an extension of him. Remember that if his drinking issues persist and his coming-out issues are not resolved yet, you will more than likely be repeating the same dysfunctional relationship patterns again if you reconcile as a couple, as these are huge relationship “sabotagers.” You will never fully have his attentiveness to you because you will be in competition with his emotional struggles, never completely being his priority. You may suggest he seek professional assistance from a therapist.
Remember that you deserve to be happy! Take some time to identify the ways you’ve contributed to the issues in the relationship to learn from these mistakes and start working on such things as assertiveness, boundary-setting, and self-esteem to promote your own personal growth. Know your values and what you need in a relationship to be happy.
I wish you the best with your decision, Lost. While it’s obviously very challenging, make sure to journal about your feelings to bring about more clarity, identify your relationship needs/requirements to help guide you into making the appropriate choice for yourself, and begin building skills in boundaries. Stay true to yourself. If you stay, establish ground rules and stick to them consistently. If you leave, find a way to commemorate how special the relationship was to you as a way to facilitate grieving and find ways to promote the reasons why you made this choice to help you through those tough “Did I make the right choice?” times and take action steps that reinforce the “new you.”
Good luck!
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