Dear Coach:
I have been in a relationship with my partner for going on 4 years now and up until the past year it has been great. About six months ago, we moved to a different state across country; I protested the move, but my partner is originally from there and all his family is there and I decided to give in because I thought I owed it to the relationship. A few months into the move, my partner’s ill father started visiting for weeks at a time until it reached a point to where he never went back to his own home. It’s extremely difficult, particularly since we live in a small one bedroom apartment and our bedroom has been relegated to sleeping in the living room since my father-in-law’s move-in.
Having him in our home is driving me crazy! He’s a wonderful man, but since his stay he rarely speaks to me except if there’s something I can do or get for him. I’m suffering from back pain because I sleep on the couch day in and day out. I work from home and I can’t get anything done because I am constantly being asked to run errands during the day. The apartment is always messy and the father doesn’t clean up after himself. I clean the bathroom constantly throughout the day because he pisses on the floor and refuses to sit down to ensure he hits the toilet.
My partner has other siblings that have the space and the means to take care of their father but they refuse to help and leave the full responsibility to us. It is really putting a strain on my relationship with my partner. We have no privacy, so sex is out of the question. There is no intimacy, no hand holding, and no kissing because the father gets offended if there are any “gay public displays of affection”. We have tried to discuss the issue on various occasions and my partner says he understands… but nothing changes. If I continue to stress how unhappy this situation is making me, he gets very defensive and it turns into an argument that we really can’t resolve because the father is always there to say something. Our home feels so unfamiliar and I don’t even want to be here anymore.
My partner is a good guy. I love him with all my heart and I know this situation can’t be easy for him. I know that he is stressed and he just wants to make sure his father is taken care of but the truth is I just can’t do this anymore. I feel guilty for feeling this way but when I think about the future of our relationship along with the father living with us… I start having panic attacks. I feel like I am being forced to handle a situation that I did not sign up for. Moving to a new city and rebuilding my life is one thing, but compounded with this situation… it’s just too much.
Our home is no longer a place a comfort and even though I don’t want to, I am on the verge of ending our relationship and leaving it all behind. I need help! I do not want to throw away my relationship and I don’t want to make it seem like I am telling my partner to choose between his father or our relationship, but after months of trying to get my point across without action, I feel like this is my only remedy. Am I being selfish? Am I being a spoiled brat for wanting things to change?
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Hello Friend:
Your feelings of overwhelm and frustration are certainly valid considering all the sacrifices that you have made for the sake of your relationship. You and your partner have endured a multitude of transitions in a short period of time and you’ve never quite had the chance to stabilize and settle into your new life as a couple in New Jersey with the almost immediate arrival of your father-in-law into your family unit.
Partners in a relationship need to be like the nucleus of a cell. It’s very important for a couple to have a clear protective boundary around themselves to avoid allowing external pressures, events, and people from “penetrating” their bond. If this does happen, the foundation of the relationship becomes threatened and problems can then emerge that can damage the couple’s intimate connection if not careful. So try not to be hard on yourself because your father-in-law’s presence has realistically become an intrusion into the basic functioning of your relationship; the difficulty here, however, is that the boundary around you and your partner has been broken in which it now feels like there are three people in your relationship as the alliance between the two of you seems to have been “penetrated.”
Your partner definitely is in an excruciating position in his efforts to try and meet the needs of both his partner and father, no question! This reality should be validated with him. At the same time, however, the management of this situation has resulted in the breakdown of boundaries and you and your partner have consequently lost control of your household. And that’s got to be a horrible feeling for you both! But you can reclaim control once again if you both work together cooperatively and collaboratively as an intimate team.
What is needed is boundaries. This means that the relationship between you and he comes first and that all other external issues and distractions become secondary. There will always be times when the needs of our family and friends require our attention and service, however this care should never overshadow and take the place of the energy that’s required to keep your relationship vital and flourishing. Without a solid alliance as a couple, there can be little energy to give to others without burnout occurring. Too much time and devotion to others without some form of replenishment for the relationship will ultimately lead to the partners becoming disconnected and distant from each other—a recipe for resentment, lack of fulfillment, and loneliness/feelings of abandonment.
Taking back control of your household and scheduling more quality time together as a couple might be your first steps back to each other. Making efforts to schedule a “Date Night” once a week, even scheduling time for sex and intimacy if necessary, are critical elements of a rejuvenation of your relationship before any further disconnect occurs. Let these experiences be devoid of any discussion of the problems and challenges you’re facing—save those for other times. Instead focus on having fun with each other and re-instilling some romance back into your lives. Make sure to emphasize your appreciations for one another and affirm a commitment to make each other a priority. Secondarily, it will be important for the two of you to co-create rules for how to handle your father-in-law’s needs. This will likely be very difficult for your partner to negotiate because that is his father, but enough separation/individuation from our parents as adults is necessary to set these types of limits and to be assertive when needed. What are his father’s capabilities? What are some things that he can learn to do independently and be held accountable for rather than relying on you guys? What resources exist in your community that might be of assistance in helping to meet his needs rather than everything falling on you?
This most certainly will not be an easy process and will require lots of communication, negotiation, problem-solving, and commitment on both your parts. You also most certainly did not sign up for this; neither did your partner…but together you both do actually have the power to recreate your relationship so that you’re not molding yourselves around the problems and needs of others; you can become a stable force together as a united front with some varying accommodations and modifications to the current lifestyle you’re leading. I might recommend that you seek the services of a licensed therapist who might be able to help the two of you sort through the complexities of this situation. The prognosis for this can be quite good if your partner is willing to work with you on this. I wish you all the best! You guys deserve to have your relationship back!
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On February 02, 11 at 8:42pm, Sylvia said...
My faher-in-law has been living with us for past 5 months and I understand totally how this young man is feeling. My father in law is 93 years old – outside of an enlarged prostate (not cancer), he has no real ailments. I was in total agreement with him coming to live with us because he isafter all 93 You know the old saying, “you never know someone until you live with them. Well, he has made several krass remarks to me and his hygiene is….well lets just say – what hygiene. We are in a one bedroom apt. and he stays in the den. I have never been so depressed in my life. My husband’s excuse for him is he’s old or he is just joking. Well why are the jokes always at my expense. I am very unhappy and most times don’t want to go home. I too want my life back! Would it be cruel to have him go back home since there are no real health issues.
On February 11, 11 at 10:09pm, Dr. Brian said...
Ouch! What a very difficult position for you to be in and I can only imagine how trapped and helpless you must feel. You don’t like being treated this way and yet you must feel conflicted by the fact that this is your husband’s father who is in need. At the same time, your partner may feel stuck in the middle between having to choose between his father and his partner and the guilt associated with disappointing you and feeling worried and perhaps obligated to caregiving his ill parent.
The fact remains that that is your home and you deserve to be treated with respect and honor, particularly since you have welcomed your father-in-law during his time of need. Your partner’s minimizing your feelings is not going to help matters anyway and will likely create more of a divide between the two of you as your resentment grows. Not to mention, this also only serves to reinforce the father’s inappropriate behavior by not addressing and confronting the problem. Regardless of your father-in-law’s age or whether he’s joking or not, his behavior is hurtful to you and makes you uncomfortable, and as such, some boundaries must be put in place for this to stop (or this then actually becomes classified as a form of abuse). It’s important that you identify for yourself what behaviors are tolerable and which are unacceptable and for these, and your feelings, to be expressed and validated by your partner. It would be helpful if the two of you collaboratively came up with some “house rules” that would be communicated to the father. Consequences for not following through with these rules may result in such things as an alternative living arrangement or any other options or compromises you and your husband could come up with. The two of you acting as a united front and an alliance may be all that’s needed to turn things around. Best wishes with this! Dr. Brian
On March 08, 11 at 1:01am, Jonathan Welford said...
Speak open and honestly with your partner, say your father in law has a month to vacate so your life can go on, you have a one bedroom apartment for the two of you, not to sleep on the couch in the living room.
Grow a backbone and put it to him in black and white. If your partner values your relationship he will respect you. Expecting you to work from home and be a principle carer is ridiculous.
Having an elderly relative come to stay for a couple of days once or twice a year is fine, having them move in is taking the p**s.
Plan you escape route if needed, to prove you mean it. When does the tenancy of the apartment come up for renewal? Find a place where you can move into. Don’t make idol threats to leave, if you put your foot down, follow through.
You say you have a business you run from home, get a business address so the business does not suffer, also get phone redirects in place.
If you have not voiced your opinions to your partner before now, you have yourself partially to blame, but speak candidly now, and give with your partner give the father one months notice to vacate.