Dear Dr. Brian:
My boyfriend recently broke up with me and reconciled with his ex-boyfriend. This came as a complete shock and completely tore my heart apart. It’s something neither of us expected he could ever do. We were together for over 7 months and blissfully happy, even having committed to moving in together a couple months ago at his suggestion. It’s almost been a month since our breakup and I don’t know what to do.
It’s a very complicated situation. I know he still loves me deeply; I can see it when he looks at me. I, of course, feel the same. But I know I can’t make him change his mind and come back to me. I can’t fathom why he’s back with someone who’s not good for him; he’s even said it himself! I’m trying to move on and distance myself, but it’s extremely difficult to do so because we still live together.
The truth is, our relationship was picture perfect. We were very affectionate and loving, never argued, and every problem we had, we were able to discuss, solve, and move on. But suddenly his ex comes back onto the scene with his proclamation of love and promise to change, and now my guy is under his spell. I want him back in my life, but I don’t know what I can do. I believe in this relationship and think it’s worth fighting for. I’ve just been doing my own thing for now and going out and trying to have fun. When I see my ex and his boyfriend together, I’m polite and friendly and go about my business. But the strange thing is that my ex keeps wanting to spend time with me and I don’t know how to react. He tries to hug me, which I feel is highly inappropriate considering the situation. Any advice on how I can win back my ex?
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Dear Friend:
I can’t even imagine how difficult and torturous this situation must be for you. One minute you’re building a future with a man whom you thought was life partner potential, and the next he’s reconciled with his ex…all going on while you are still living under the same roof without warning. I am very sorry for your loss and also imagine that you are going through a range of different emotions as you contemplate your next steps and try to adjust to this unwanted transition.
While it sounds like your ex is sending you mixed signals, the more emphasis you place on him and his actions, the more emotional power you are giving him over you and are then putting your fate in his hands—a very risky and vulnerable position to be in. It’s important right now for you to grieve the loss of your relationship and all the hopes and dreams you’d placed in your investment with him. Keeping a journal and talking with your support network can be helpful ways to process your feelings and gain perspective on what this all means to you and how you want to proceed.
In spite of the fact that you voice a desire to win your ex back, it’s important for you to take stock of your motives. No matter how compatible you may have felt the two of you were, the truth of the matter is that he betrayed and hurt you. What does this mean to you? What does it say about him as a person, about his character, and about the role and significance you actually play in his life? What does it say about you that you would want to resume a relationship with someone who could treat you so poorly? These are critical questions you will want to ask yourself because the idealized image you hold of your ex will compete for the attention of these logical and pivotal questions that will keep you grounded and centered. Does his behavior match the needs that you have of a partner and a relationship? Trust, open communication, and commitment are essential elements of a healthy and fulfilling relationship, and it appears these qualities are missing in your ex’s approach to his involvement with you. You deserve these characteristics.
Living under the same roof as your ex while he cavorts with his ex-boyfriend right under your nose is highly cruel on his part, particularly since he knows how you feel about him and had only moved in with him in the first place because of your plans to build a future together. As long as you live there with him, you will be confronted with unending triggers of “what could have been” and of your ex’s betrayal, which will only complicate your healing process and harm your self-esteem. Additionally, by continuing to live with him, you are sending the message that you condone his actions and are enabling his inappropriate behavior. If you aren’t trapped into living there because of financial necessity, removing yourself from the premises will not only show him that what he’s done is inexcusable and won’t be tolerated, but also will give you that boost of self-respect and empowerment to not be victimized and regain a sense of personal power over your life.
We don’t have control over other people, so there is little that you can do to change your ex’s decision and convince him to reconcile with you; I’m sure you’ve already had those talks with him immediately after the breakup occurred and had minimal success. Your best approach is to gain some distance from him and rebuild a new life and identity separate from what you had with him. By living a full life, this is often “the sweetest revenge”, as the old saying goes.
Many may suggest that you could use distance and living a full life as a way to attract his attentions; sometimes this can help a person see his poor judgment and error of his ways (or that’s what many think). However, this manipulation is ill-advised because your energy is directed toward game-playing and is not oriented toward health and growth. Instead, it’s more advisable to appraise the reasons behind a desire to reconcile and channel your impulses toward healing those wounds directly and rebuilding a new life for your own benefit and well-being. In so doing, you may then perhaps meet someone who is more aligned with your personal requirements for a partner and relationship. You deserve to be with someone who unconditionally loves you and has integrity with his commitment to you. Take good care of yourself during this difficult process, my friend, but stay true to yourself and refuse to be treated with disrespect, no matter how good things seem in the beginning. Remember that true integrity and character is demonstrated over time and your ex gave you some very important information about himself that you can use to help you in your decision-making.
All my best,