Dear Coach:
My ex and I broke up a couple of months ago, but since then he’s continuously trying to get in touch with my friends and me through email, text, calls, Facebook, etc. He won’t leave me or my friends alone!
If I block him online, then he just make a new email. It’s getting kind of ridiculous and annoying, and just generally not right. What makes it worse is that whenever he gets in contact with me or anyone else he’s constantly lying about me, and when he does reach me, he just keeps telling me about everything in his life and I just dont want to hear it. I have no idea how to just stop him. Any advice would be awesome, thanks.
Harrassed
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Dear Harrassed:
Yikes! What a very challenging situation to be in and I can imagine how frustrating it must be to continually have your privacy invaded. Your ex-boyfriend’s difficulties grieving the end of your relationship and problems “letting go” are also making it challenging for you to be able to move on with your life and gain some closure.
The first step obviously, if you haven’t already done so, would be to talk to him the next time he contacts you (because it sounds like he probably will with the way things are going!) and make it clear that you do not desire any more contact with him and that you expect him to stop contacting you and your friends through all means (telephone, email, mail, social media, etc.). Make it short, simple, concrete, and terminate the conversation. The more talking that occurs, the more “wiggle-room” he’ll have to hook you. Maintain your boundaries at all costs from that point forward, which means to not return any of his phone calls or emails and refuse to answer, take, or reply to any of his contacts. Any contact he has with you only feeds his obsession with you and fantasies of the hope for reconciliation. Any attention you give him, whether positive or negative, only reinforces his behavior and gives him encouragement. Make sure all the other people he contacts also do the same with ignoring his behavior.
If your ex continues his harassment, this could be considered a form of stalking. I would recommend that you contact your local police department and have them educate you on your rights surrounding this issue. You don’t have to disclose your sexual orientation if you don’t want to; you basically just want to know your rights and acquire some tips from law enforcement on how you can handle this problem. Each geographical region and jurisdiction can have varying laws on stalking and harassment.
Obtaining a restraining order or filing a police report might be helpful for you as a form of protection, particularly if you have any concerns that your ex could potentially become violent or engage in any destructive or reckless behavior. Having this documentation on file with law enforcement can at least start a paper trail going and keep you protected.
I would also encourage you to keep your own personal journal and log every incident of harassment and stalking that occurs should you need it for legal reasons in the future. Develop a detailed safety plan for how you would protect yourself in the event that he ever became violent or out-of-control and taking some self-defense classes might be prudent if you have any concerns about this scenario occurring. Even though you may not think your ex would be capable of such behavior, many obsessive-types can become extremely dangerous, irrational, and impulsive, so your safety needs to be a priority.
The following website of the National Center for Victims of Crime has a hotline and other resources that can be helpful for victims of stalking: http://www.ncvc.org/ncvc/Main.aspx [1]
Take good care of yourself, my friend. I’m sorry that you have to go through this and hope that this nightmare ends soon for you so that you can move forward with your life and start creating new positive experiences.
All my best,