Dear Coach:
I’m 23 and have been having a hard time finding a guy to settle down with. I recently met someone online and we’ve talked on the phone and seem pretty compatible thus far and have decided to meet. The trouble I’m having is that he’s bisexual. I’d prefer the guy I’m with not be able to see himself with a woman just as much as he could see himself with me. I know it’s premature, but what if we really hit it off after we meet in person? I don’t know what kind of life I could have knowing or thinking about him with women as well as him being with myself. He also said that he might be interested in me as “friends with benefits”, and if that’s the case, it won’t work for me. I live in a small town, so it’s really hard to find guys here period. What should I do?
Curious To Try With A Bi
Dear Curious:
Contemplating getting involved with someone who is bisexual seems to be causing a bit of an internal struggle for you. This has long been a controversial topic, with many advising against it because of the potential that the bisexual will eventually return to opposite-sex relating and mating. This can, and has happened to many gay men who’ve been left by their bisexual lover for another woman and is something to consider. However, there are also those gay and bisexual men who have been successful in cultivating and maintaining long-term relationships. It all really depends on the individuals involved and the type of relationship that’s developed. It’s really more about the people involved than the “bisexual issue.” We all need love.
This being said, one caution against dating someone bisexual would be dependent on his particular stage in “the coming out process.” Typically, those who label themselves as “bi” early in their coming to terms with their sexual identity may vacillate back and forth between men and women in turmoil as they try to make sense of who they are in the midst of a homophobic and biphobic society. Unless you are willing to go on the roller coaster ride of their coming-out journey (and be prepared for lots of uncertainty and drama), it’s probably ill-advised to become involved until the person is comfortable and confident with his identity. Some individuals will come out of this with a genuine bisexual orientation, while others might be using this label to help them defend against their fears of true homosexual leanings. It’s all part of the process of learning about oneself. Remember that sexuality exists on a continuum, from 100% heterosexual to 100% homosexual, and everyone holds a position somewhere along the line. Where is your new love interest in his sexual identity development?
My first suggestion to you (and the most important!) would be to put aside this guy’s sexual orientation for a moment and instead focus on who you are and what your vision is for your future life and relationship with a partner. What matters to you? What are your values? What do you want to accomplish? How will a partner fit into your life? What kind of a relationship are you seeking? What are you looking for in a partner? Begin the process of identifying what your negotiable (what you want, but would be willing to compromise) and non-negotiable (things you absolutely must have and things you absolutely cannot have to be in this relationship) needs are and let this be your guide as you date men and screen them for their suitability. How do you feel about bisexuality? Could you date someone bisexual? Why or why not? Would a partner’s being bisexual be classified as a negotiable or a non-negotiable need for you? Your answer to this question will dictate whether you should pursue an intimate relationship with this guy you’ve developed an interest with. If it’s non-negotiable, it’s best to avoid getting yourself involved further with him emotionally as you’ll only be setting yourself up for pain and disappointment. If it’s negotiable, then perhaps a period of dating would be helpful for you. The success of these types of relationships rests largely on open communication and setting very clear boundaries.
A few things jump out at me in your letter that I think will be important for you to examine. Your preoccupation or concern with the potential for him to become involved with women is a signal or flag for you to look at more deeply. What bothers you the most about this? Explore further what this means to you and determine if your concerns are rational and real to who you are vs. myths you’ve heard about bisexuality or adopting the “shoulds” of others. If his bisexuality opposes your values, vision, and personal requirements, then this is likely not a good match. Secondly, your new friend’s statement that he might be interested in you as a “friend with benefits” speaks loudly to what his image is in what he’s looking for. This is not a person who is looking to build a long-term intimate relationship at this time. He is solely looking for companionship and sex. If your vision is to build a monogamous relationship with a partner for life, this particular man does not appear to be a good-fit with that vision. So be careful and make sure you know exactly what kind of relationship you want and would be willing to invest in. Thirdly, while it can be very challenging and frustrating living in a geographical area where gay men are scarce, it would be very detrimental to you to start up relations with someone just because there’s little else to choose from. Never settle for a guy “just because”, and try to discover healthy alternatives for coping with loneliness and segregation until you do find a more compatible dating partner. You’ll be saving yourself lots of time and energy and you’ll also be able to keep centered on what’s most important for you to accomplish your goals.
I hope this helps! I wish you all the best with your decision. You deserve a truly good man in your life, so ensure that the choices you make will take you down the right path to increasing your odds of success.
All my support,