Dear Coach:
I have been in a relationship with a closeted bisexual man for a year. He is finding it hard to accept himself and his feelings for me. He has a 3-year old daughter whom I’m very close with and he’s scared of his ex-wife. How do I draw him closer without threatening his security?
Dear Friend:
Loving someone who is still coming to terms with his sexual identity can be quite challenging because of the very different places you each are developmentally. These relationships often times can be overwhelming for each partner; the “out” partner can feel held back from experiencing his identity and life to the fullest by the pressure he feels from his more anxious lover, who in contrast leans toward being avoidant of situations that would call attention to his sexuality; the relationship can then become defined by that underlying strain. Your situation is further compounded by what sounds like an additional layer of stress your partner feels toward his ex-wife, fearful of how she might handle her knowledge of your relationship, particularly with their sharing a child. It is understandable how you might feel somewhat neglected and abandoned by your partner’s periodic closeness and then distance, feeling ruled by his particular level of security from day-to-day. This is the nature of this type of relationship and it is nobody’s fault. His push-pull dynamic is likely related to his struggles with his identity and trying to negotiate and manage his anxiety as opposed to anything you’re doing, but you will need to determine this for sure and identify how much of a role your behaviors and interactions in the relationship play into his discomfort.
While these kinds of relationships tend to require more effort and hard work because of these issues, they can and do flourish with good communication and negotiation of each partner’s needs, wants, and values. It’s important to recognize that it is your partner’s responsibility to work through his coming-out process. There is nothing you can do to push him along to greater self-acceptance; coming out is a very personal and unique individual experience and he must come to terms with this in his own way. Your efforts, though well-intentioned, could sabotage things and cause him to distance even further into himself. Your best bet to try and draw him closer is to be his #1 supporter and let him be in charge of pacing his own comfort with intimacy in your relationship.
Be a good listener and demonstrate to him that you’re there for him to share his thoughts and feelings with about what he’s going through. Don’t attach any expectations and anticipate lots of highs and lows. Avoid telling him what to do or soliciting advice; let him ask for your feedback or ask him first before offering your wisdom or suggestions. Try to validate his experience and empathize with him. As you support him through this process, patience and compromise will be key. Try and build your support network to include other friendships or couples that share a mixed sexual-orientation relationship style like your own. He may also benefit from some assistance in a coming out support group, working with a licensed therapist, or by networking with others in bisexual support organizations. Check out http://www.bisexual.org for linkage to bisexual resources in your area that might be helpful for him.
But the most important thing to remember is that you have needs too. You will need to decide what you need and value out of a relationship and may need to establish a time-line of when you will gauge any progress that has been made with your efforts at closeness and bonding as a couple. Some men obviously decide to remain closeted indefinitely and you will need to explore your personal requirements about whether this would be a scenario that you would be willing to continue in over the long-haul. If your desire is to be one of the top priorities in his life, his resolution of his sexual identity issues will be critical; without this, you will always be in competition with his anxiety and he will have a hard time committing as his defenses create additional ways to hold you at arms length due to insecurity and internalized homophobia/biphobia. And the difficulty with this is that it is completely out of your control…his resolution is in his own hands only.
After a year together and with your having established a meaningful relationship with his daughter, it’s apparent the two of you share a special connection. The relationship is still very young and your boyfriend is obviously going through a lot of “firsts” as the two of you grow together; he needs time and space to experience and integrate these moments. You also need to keep living your life to the fullest and include him in as much as both you and he are comfortable. If you want to attend a Pride event, ask him if he wants to join you. If you’re in the mood to hang out with your friends, invite him along. You’re showing a desire for him to participate in your life and respect his declining such gestures for the moment as his efforts at “pacing” and “moving along the learning curve.” By you living your life, establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries, and living by your values, he just might start mirroring your behaviors after awhile and that could help jump-start his coming-out process. Avoid sacrificing your goals and needs if he’s not wanting to partake in the things you’d like to do, otherwise you become a part of his “personal closet” and you may end up resenting him or yourself for not having followed through with your dreams.
So be yourself, keep the channels of communication flowing, and be patient and flexible to the ebbs and flows that will exist. And hopefully down the line, he’ll catch up to you in the developmental path of self-acceptance and you can share a richer experience as a couple, free from distractions and be able to live authentically as a couple without inhibitions. Good luck to you!
–The Gay Love Coach