Dear Dr. Brian,

I’m an experienced dater who is dating someone quite shy. Things have  been going well over the last several months, and I’ve been well-behaved and considerate. I’ve also been sure to live my own life while getting caught up in all the feelings associated a budding  “interest.” While things are going well, I’ve vocalized my “like” for him, when in fact, I’ve got some pretty strong feelings for him. He’s so shy and  quiet, I’m scared to turn him off. And, he’s never been in a  relationship before.  So, do you have any advice? I feel as though there is a communication deficit and I’d like to bridge the gap, encouraging him  to express what it is he might feel for me, while respecting his gentler nature. read more >>

Introduction

One of the most common concerns that come through my service from gay singles is the difficulty they speak of securing dates with quality and compatible men; and sometimes it’s even just landing a date of any kind! Invitations for sex seem more readily accessible and the frustration and disappointment is the predominant emotion experienced by these relationship-minded singles who have good heads on their shoulders and are ready and available for love, but just can’t seem to find others who mirror their desire for substance and depth in their involvements. read more >>

Introduction

I’m so fed up with being a “nice guy” and getting nowhere for it. I continue to be perplexed by my situation and want to understand better why others act the way they do, what I am doing wrong, and what things I can do to improve myself. I’m not perfect and don’t pretend to be. I’m not a model, but I’m often told by people that I’m “hot” and how nice and sweet I am. I am passionate and good in bed and believe I have a good personality and sense of humor. I have my own place, a new car, a great job, and I’m very successful in my career that holds a lot of promise for more growth and success. So I guess my biggest question is why am I alone? I treat the guys I have gone out with really well. Yet, it never seems to be enough. I just want to build a life with someone who has ambition, dreams, and who will love me and look out for me as I would for him. — Gay Man, age 29 read more >>

Introduction

“Guys suck! I’m never going to find a decent one who wants more than a one-night stand!”
“All the good ones are taken!”
“I’m not attractive enough to land myself a boyfriend”
“Gay men and relationships just don’t mix. Why even bother?!”

Do you ever think such thoughts? If you’re single and on the market for a boyfriend, it certainly can be easy to get jaded and develop these and many more pessimistic thoughts about the gay dating scene. Especially when it seems like you’ve done just about everything to promote your “dateability” and consider yourself a “good catch”, yet still fall short of accomplishing your goal or vision, negativity can seem to just flow out automatically as you vent out your frustrations and try to make sense of the injustice of it all. But while it may seem natural at times to move toward this way of thinking in your upset, one must be very careful trudging in this territory because it can be detrimental to your well-being. read more >>

Introduction

I was recently interviewed by freelance writer Caroline Stanley from MSN.com for a cover story she was writing about dating “player-types”. This article includes the content that I contributed for her research into this topic. This article will shed some light on the profile of a “player”, provide some tips for the “ex-player” to promote successful dating relationships without letting his past destroy genuine opportunities, and suggest potential warning signs for the gay dater that might signal that the guy he’s seeing might actually be a “player.” read more >>

Introduction

You look up from your book at the coffee shop and become paralyzed with nervous anticipation as you see the hot guy you’ve been smitten with from afar sit down at the table across the room. He’s alone today and what a great opportunity it would be to finally approach him and introduce yourself. But the anxiety is mounting as you visualize yourself doing this and you bury yourself back in your book. You feel your face burning as you berate yourself for not having the guts to make yourself known. “He’d never be interested in me!” “I’d just die if he rejected me!” “And what if he did show some interest? What would I say? He’d think I’m a complete idiot and loser the second I’d open my mouth!” These thoughts swirl through your mind as you look up to find another guy has swooped in for the kill and has been invited to sit at the table with the object of your desire. Another missed opportunity!

If you’re a shy guy, and don’t want to be, dating can be a frustrating and daunting experience. When you’re out and about, it looks so easy for other guys to approach and cozy up to other men. Or if you do have advances made toward you, you just want to kick yourself when you freeze up and don’t know what to say and feel like you’ve made a bad impression and scare him off.

This article will shed some light on the symptoms and psychology behind shyness and offer some suggestions for breaking free of its chains that hold you back from experiencing a satisfying social and dating life.

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Dear Coach:

I’m having trouble and confusion getting over a crush. A year ago I was visiting my parents in my old hometown and went out to a local gay bar one evening and was shocked to run into a guy that I used to work with. I had always been attracted to him and I approached him and talked, and we hit it off! We corresponded by e-mail after that and he revealed right away that he was partnered. Still, something in the e-mail and our verbal conversations made me feel like there was something between us, so I pursued a friendship with him and we became close friends. I learned that he and his partner were having problems; I just listened, still not saying that I was interested in him romantically because I wanted to be respectful, give him space, and not be directly involved in the breakup of a long-term relationship. Our friendship seemed so solid that time seemed on our side. A couple months later, he told me that he and his partner had broken up and clearly stated that this was his time to play around and not get tied down. Again, I did not state my interest because I wanted to be respectful and support his decision. Then everything changed; he stopped e-mailing and would only call upon my initiation. Six months after his breakup, I asked him to dinner, ready to tell him about my true feelings and he told me that he was involved with someone. Devestated that he was dating someone, I told him the truth about my feelings and he looked stunned and said “I can’t do that right now.” Since then, he has not responded to any of my calls and I am so hurt and wonder what my mistake was. It took me 45 years to finally meet someone who made me feel the way he did; will I ever find that again? Why did I play it so cool and freeze when it came to being honest with my feelings from the beginning? Why doesn’t he call anymore? Despite all of this, I’m still very drawn to him. What do I do?

Crush Gone Wrong

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Introduction

Question: “My boyfriend had enough of me being a “drama queen” as he called me and then ended our relationship. I didn’t get what he meant by that. I was only trying to express my feelings and communicate my thoughts. Now he calls me a “big drama queen” in front of his friends and I feel humiliated. How do I know if I’m a drama queen and if I am one, what can I do to stop being one?” read more >>