Dear Coach:
I was wondering if you could point me in the direction of information on couples with sexual incompatibility issues. My partner and I have been together for 9 years and for the last 6 months or so have had some issues around sex. He seems to like more kink than I am comfortable with. Do you have any suggestions or resources that speak to this?
Too Kinky For Comfort
Dear Coach:
My partner and I have been together for 9 years. Over the course of the past several years, our sex life has really changed, as has our relationship. Historically, we’ve had a lot of fights and arguments and have broken up and gotten back together again multiple times. We’re in a good spot now in our relationship, but our sex life is still non-existent and we’ve only been intimate twice in the last four months. It seems like when we are sexual, he’s responsive and excited in the moment, but every time it gets down to my pleasuring him, particularly with oral sex, he freaks out and yells at me with a harsh critique on how I’m doing it. I’ve always considered myself rather talented when it comes down to blow- jobs and he never seemed to have issue before. In fact, we always had fantastic oral sex. He seems perfectly content pleasing me, but when I try to reciprocate, he gets all bent out of shape and seems to want nothing to do with it. How can I get my sexual relationship back to where it needs to be?
Sexually Unsatisfied
Dear Coach:
I recently broke up with my partner of 21 years; I’m 46 and he’s 50. It’s been quite a roller coaster of emotions and I’m struggling with the following question: Is it selfish of me to ask my partner to have sex even though we are not together? We both still spend a lot of time together because of some prior family obligations to wrap up. We never cheated on each other when we were in our relationship and he broke up with me mainly because I’m unorganized, manage my money poorly, and he feels that I used him. Since then, I’ve been in the process of organizing my life, working a full-time job and paying my own house bills and only ask for help when I can’t fix something around our former house. I’m depressed and frustrated and scared to venture back into the gay dating world. I’m not ready to find another sexual partner yet, and I don’t think he is either. He says he’ll never want to be in another relationship with someone again, whereas I really want him back and wish I’d only listened to him when he tried to communicate to me about our problems.
Sex With An Ex?
Nothing can be a bigger drag than when you’re in the mood for some hot one-on-one action and there are no available partners to access. Maybe you’re new to the gay scene and are just trying to figure things out. Or perhaps you’re in a “drought period” where meeting other men has not proven successful for some reason. Could it be that you’re shy and anxious about initiating contacts with other men that could possibly lead to future intimacy? Or maybe you’ve sworn off sex until you meet Mr. Right so as not to distract yourself from your ultimate goal. Whatever the scenario may be for your particular situation, sexual frustration can mount when your libido is screaming for an outlet when it seems that none exists. Sex is a basic human need, and for some, its deprivation can be a source of preoccupation and discontent. So how does one manage a celibate lifestyle, if it’s not by his choosing, without climbing the walls and going stark-raving mad?
In Part 1 of this article series, you learned about possible reasons why one might be “sexless”, the importance of differentiating between unwanted celibacy as the problem itself or a symptom of some underlying issues, and some possible ways the gay community might directly address this phenomenon. Part 2 will now identify some possible strategies that you as an individual might utilize in coping with a lack of sexual intimacy to assist in continuing to live a full and satisfying life. These suggestions are just that…ideas for helping to cope with an unmeet need that isn’t easily substituted. But by creating new outlets for expression, you may find some relief and new experiences that could enrich your life. Pick and choose the ones that might work best for you and brainstorm some of your own!
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Introduction
Sex is everywhere it seems. While taboo on one hand, our society glorifies sex and capitalizes on it. There appears to be no escape from it, and our gay culture is certainly no stranger to getting caught up in its allure. You can’t thumb through a gay magazine without seeing advertisements of beefcake and sex dripping from the pages.
A lot of literature exists on how to super-charge your sex life and boost your bedroom antics–and that’s all well and good if you have a sex life. But what about those who aren’t having sex for whatever reason and want to be? As one reader pointed out to me, this is an overlooked population whose needs have been minimally represented and addressed.
Introduction
When managed in a healthy way, an active sex life can be one of life’s greatest gifts. Having been raised in an oppressive society about our homosexuality, sex can take on different meanings for gay men. Whether or not you believe the stereotype of gay men being promiscuous and “sex-starved”, the real truth is that when sex is taken to the extreme and it begins to interfere with your life and the accomplishment of your goals, damaging consequences can result that can destroy your future.
This article comes off the heels of my attendance at a recent professional workshop on treating compulsive sexual behaviors. It was an excellent investigation into the world of sexual addiction and was presented by Arizona-based therapist Paul Simpson, Ed.D. A lot of his presentation is mirrored by the work of Dr. Patrick Carnes, PhD, the pioneer of sexual addiction research and reputable author of a series of classic self-help books on sexual addiction treatment. Here is some useful information on sexual compulsivity and resources for recovery.
Introduction
Question: At what point does a dating relationship turn sexual if you’re looking for a lasting relationship?
The reader posing this question goes on to say that in his experience, sex too soon in a dating relationship seemed to make the connection all about sex, while waiting for an extended period of time resulted in men perceiving him as a “tease” or being uninterested in them for anything but just friendship.
So what’s a guy to do? When is the right time to have sex so as not to sabotage the development of a potentially healthy relationship with a compatible dating prospect? Well, the long and the short of it is that there is no right time! There’s no science or magic formula to negotiating the right time to be sexual to guarantee lasting success. There are no guarantees in relationships. What it boils down to is each individual’s readiness and comfort level with taking things to that next step and keeping the channels of communication open.
So while there’s no hardfast rule, this article will offer some tips and questions for reflection for you to decide when the time is right for you to take things to the “bedroom level.” Through this content, perhaps you will discover some factors that might promote the opportunity for success of a long-term relationship that you can integrate into your own dating plan and sexual decision-making practices. read more >>
Introduction
This is the second installment in a 2-part article series about struggles with intimacy that are relatively common in gay relationships. In Part 1 of the series, “intimacy freak-out” was defined and the reasons why gay men are prone to this phenomenon were discussed. This article will address some of the common intimacy fears that could block your potential for true connection with your partner and will offer some tips for enhancing your comfort with intimacy to help you achieve ultimate relationship bliss!
Introduction
“Intimacy freak-out.” You’ve seen it before. You’ve probably encountered it during your dating escapades. It happens when things seem to be going famously with that special guy you’ve been dating, and when things start getting just a little bit serious, BAM! He disappears, never to be heard from again, for no apparent reason. Or those men who will have oral and anal sex with you, but they refuse to kiss you during foreplay and then they’re immediately clothed and out the door faster than a speeding bullet after they’ve had their orgasm. Or perhaps you’re in a long-term relationship and your partner isn’t a real big fan of cuddling or showing displays of affection. He seems distant, aloof, “cut off” from you at times. Or maybe you, yourself, struggle with detachment from your lover or have been told by him that you’re “too needy and clingy.”
Welcome to the wonderful world of “intimacy issues!” Intimacy deficits are a phenomenon and common cause or symptom of relationship problems in both gay and straight partnerships. It’s been called a “man thing”, but gay men can be particularly vulnerable to “intimacy freak-out”, and Part 1 of this two-part article series will address the reasons behind this and help you gain a better understanding of the dynamics involved in intimacy in gay relationships.
Dear Coach:
Help! I think I’m addicted to Internet chat-rooms and porn sites! What do I do?
Hooked
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