Dear Coach
I was wondering if you could give me a little advice. I am in a fairly new relationship with a guy I love and adore, but our sex life is basically non-existent. We are both primarily tops which doesn’t make things all that easy to begin with. I have offered to be a bottom for him, but he doesn’t seem to want that. He refuses to be a bottom for me and that makes me a bit upset. I have told him that I need more in this area, but he doesn’t seem to care. I’ve also suggested we invite a third person into the bedroom and he adamantly refuses that. I am at a loss. I don’t know what to do. Can you help us?
Topped Out
Introduction
In our first installment of this article series, you learned about inhibited sexual desire, a very common sexual disorder that plagues millions of couples, and gay partnerships are no exception to this epidemic. You learned about its symptoms, subtypes, and possible causes for its existence in a relationship. In Part 2, some tips and strategies will now be offered on how best to manage and overcome this barrier to intimacy so that your relationship may enjoy the fruitful rewards of a healthy sexual lifestyle. read more >>
Dear Coach:
I’m in my late 30’s and have been in a relationship with my partner now for nearly two years. He’s the first guy I can honestly say I’ve ever truly loved. A few months ago, my partner started losing interest in sex and I soon discovered that he was hooking up with other guys on the Internet. He says he loves me, but that it’s just on a different level than it was before. I feel like I’m more in love with him than he is me. Has he lost interest in me as a life partner? Is this worth saving?
Concerned
Introduction
“Not tonight, honey. I have a headache” is the well-known slogan attributed stereotypically to women who lack desire to have sex with their husbands. The slogan itself is intended to be a tongue-in-cheek joke at the expense of couples with discrepant sex drives, but the situation is actually no laughing matter. A large portion of intimate partners struggle on a daily basis with incompatible desires to have sex and it can create serious problems in relationships. And yes, there is a clinical term for this scenario…it’s called inhibited sexual desire. The urge to be sexually intimate with one’s partner waxes and wanes all the time throughout the course of a relationship; no two individuals in a couple can be expected to be in-sync sexually in every instance. It’s when sexual overtures are denied on a consistent basis and the relationship becomes devoid of any erotic or sexual fulfillment that trouble can start to brew. It tends to be more common that one partner desires the contact while the other distances and refuses participation in sexual activity. read more >>
Dear Coach:
I was wondering if you could point me in the direction of information on couples with sexual incompatibility issues. My partner and I have been together for 9 years and for the last 6 months or so have had some issues around sex. He seems to like more kink than I am comfortable with. Do you have any suggestions or resources that speak to this?
Too Kinky For Comfort
Dear Coach:
My partner and I have been together for 9 years. Over the course of the past several years, our sex life has really changed, as has our relationship. Historically, we’ve had a lot of fights and arguments and have broken up and gotten back together again multiple times. We’re in a good spot now in our relationship, but our sex life is still non-existent and we’ve only been intimate twice in the last four months. It seems like when we are sexual, he’s responsive and excited in the moment, but every time it gets down to my pleasuring him, particularly with oral sex, he freaks out and yells at me with a harsh critique on how I’m doing it. I’ve always considered myself rather talented when it comes down to blow- jobs and he never seemed to have issue before. In fact, we always had fantastic oral sex. He seems perfectly content pleasing me, but when I try to reciprocate, he gets all bent out of shape and seems to want nothing to do with it. How can I get my sexual relationship back to where it needs to be?
Sexually Unsatisfied
Dear Coach:
I recently broke up with my partner of 21 years; I’m 46 and he’s 50. It’s been quite a roller coaster of emotions and I’m struggling with the following question: Is it selfish of me to ask my partner to have sex even though we are not together? We both still spend a lot of time together because of some prior family obligations to wrap up. We never cheated on each other when we were in our relationship and he broke up with me mainly because I’m unorganized, manage my money poorly, and he feels that I used him. Since then, I’ve been in the process of organizing my life, working a full-time job and paying my own house bills and only ask for help when I can’t fix something around our former house. I’m depressed and frustrated and scared to venture back into the gay dating world. I’m not ready to find another sexual partner yet, and I don’t think he is either. He says he’ll never want to be in another relationship with someone again, whereas I really want him back and wish I’d only listened to him when he tried to communicate to me about our problems.
Sex With An Ex?
Nothing can be a bigger drag than when you’re in the mood for some hot one-on-one action and there are no available partners to access. Maybe you’re new to the gay scene and are just trying to figure things out. Or perhaps you’re in a “drought period” where meeting other men has not proven successful for some reason. Could it be that you’re shy and anxious about initiating contacts with other men that could possibly lead to future intimacy? Or maybe you’ve sworn off sex until you meet Mr. Right so as not to distract yourself from your ultimate goal. Whatever the scenario may be for your particular situation, sexual frustration can mount when your libido is screaming for an outlet when it seems that none exists. Sex is a basic human need, and for some, its deprivation can be a source of preoccupation and discontent. So how does one manage a celibate lifestyle, if it’s not by his choosing, without climbing the walls and going stark-raving mad?
In Part 1 of this article series, you learned about possible reasons why one might be “sexless”, the importance of differentiating between unwanted celibacy as the problem itself or a symptom of some underlying issues, and some possible ways the gay community might directly address this phenomenon. Part 2 will now identify some possible strategies that you as an individual might utilize in coping with a lack of sexual intimacy to assist in continuing to live a full and satisfying life. These suggestions are just that…ideas for helping to cope with an unmeet need that isn’t easily substituted. But by creating new outlets for expression, you may find some relief and new experiences that could enrich your life. Pick and choose the ones that might work best for you and brainstorm some of your own!
read more >>
Introduction
Sex is everywhere it seems. While taboo on one hand, our society glorifies sex and capitalizes on it. There appears to be no escape from it, and our gay culture is certainly no stranger to getting caught up in its allure. You can’t thumb through a gay magazine without seeing advertisements of beefcake and sex dripping from the pages.
A lot of literature exists on how to super-charge your sex life and boost your bedroom antics–and that’s all well and good if you have a sex life. But what about those who aren’t having sex for whatever reason and want to be? As one reader pointed out to me, this is an overlooked population whose needs have been minimally represented and addressed.
Introduction
When managed in a healthy way, an active sex life can be one of life’s greatest gifts. Having been raised in an oppressive society about our homosexuality, sex can take on different meanings for gay men. Whether or not you believe the stereotype of gay men being promiscuous and “sex-starved”, the real truth is that when sex is taken to the extreme and it begins to interfere with your life and the accomplishment of your goals, damaging consequences can result that can destroy your future.
This article comes off the heels of my attendance at a recent professional workshop on treating compulsive sexual behaviors. It was an excellent investigation into the world of sexual addiction and was presented by Arizona-based therapist Paul Simpson, Ed.D. A lot of his presentation is mirrored by the work of Dr. Patrick Carnes, PhD, the pioneer of sexual addiction research and reputable author of a series of classic self-help books on sexual addiction treatment. Here is some useful information on sexual compulsivity and resources for recovery.
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