Dear Dr. Brian:
My problem is that every guy I go out with ends up finding me very sexy and they always fall in love too fast. Even though I care about them too, there’s no “chase” and then I lose my sex drive. The more they “hit on” me, the more I question that they are (a) not attractive enough; (b) have low confidence, which is a turn-off for me; (c) are emotionally needy; or (d) their feelings appear to me to be a feminine trait, and in turn I lose sexual interest. I want to be in a relationship, but I lose all desire after about 3 months of being with someone. I also don’t cheat because that’s not my style. Why do I always get turned off when a guy falls in love with me and what can I do about it? I don’t like the “feminine emotional attachment” that a guy in love with me has.
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This is the second installment in a 2-part article series about struggles with intimacy that are relatively common in gay relationships. In Part 1 of the series, “intimacy freak-out” was defined and the reasons why gay men are prone to this phenomenon were discussed. This article will address some of the common intimacy fears that could block your potential for true connection with your partner and will offer some tips for enhancing your comfort with intimacy to help you achieve ultimate relationship bliss!
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“Intimacy freak-out.” You’ve seen it before. You’ve probably encountered it during your dating escapades. It happens when things seem to be going famously with that special guy you’ve been dating, and when things start getting just a little bit serious, BAM! He disappears, never to be heard from again, for no apparent reason. Or those men who will have oral and anal sex with you, but they refuse to kiss you during foreplay and then they’re immediately clothed and out the door faster than a speeding bullet after they’ve had their orgasm. Or perhaps you’re in a long-term relationship and your partner isn’t a real big fan of cuddling or showing displays of affection. He seems distant, aloof, “cut off” from you at times. Or maybe you, yourself, struggle with detachment from your lover or have been told by him that you’re “too needy and clingy.”
Welcome to the wonderful world of “intimacy issues!” Intimacy deficits are a phenomenon and common cause or symptom of relationship problems in both gay and straight partnerships. It’s been called a “man thing”, but gay men can be particularly vulnerable to “intimacy freak-out”, and Part 1 of this two-part article series will address the reasons behind this and help you gain a better understanding of the dynamics involved in intimacy in gay relationships.
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