Hope for a Gay Dad?

Question: I have recently joined a dating site but I’m not sure if my profile is an eye-catcher. I was married to a woman for a number of years and I have never had sex with a man. I’m now a single dad and have gone on a couple of dates but they always end the same way. They find out I have kids and they can’t seem to get away fast enough. My children are the most important thing to me and if it means being single the rest of my life, then so be it. But I can’t believe all gay guys don’t want kids. Am I doomed to singlehood? read more >>

Opening Remarks

Gay culture highlights youth, muscle, and good looks as valuable assets and commodities when it comes to sexuality and relationships. All one has to do is turn the pages of your favorite gay newspaper or magazine (that doesn’t necessarily have to be sexual in nature) and you’ll be distracted by photographs and advertisements of attractive men with chiseled bodies oozing sex appeal to titillate the senses. Or log on to any dating or personals site on the Web and you’ll find hosts of men demanding youth and rugged masculine good-looks as personal requirements in their profiles to consider even corresponding or chatting with them. read more >>

Dear Coach:

My best friend is Caucasian and he has historically had a really hard time getting a date. He tried your coaching suggestions and it worked for him—he met a great guy and things are going quite well for them. I tried the same things that he did, but it didn’t work out the same for me. I’m still single and looking with no prospects in the near future. I’m mixed African American and Asian and am wondering if the rules are different being a person of color. What do you think?

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Dear Coach:

I’m 23 and have been having a hard time finding a guy to settle down with. I recently met someone online and we’ve talked on the phone and seem pretty compatible thus far and have decided to meet. The trouble I’m having is that he’s bisexual. I’d prefer the guy I’m with not be able to see himself with a woman just as much as he could see himself with me. I know it’s premature, but what if we really hit it off after we meet in person? I don’t know what kind of life I could have knowing or thinking about him with women as well as him being with myself. He also said that he might be interested in me as “friends with benefits”, and if that’s the case, it won’t work for me. I live in a small town, so it’s really hard to find guys here period. What should I do?

Curious To Try With A Bi

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Introduction

Dating can be hard enough at times, but the situation can be made that much more challenging for those single gay men who represent the age 40 and up crowd. In a society where youth and beauty are highly valued, many middle-aged men report feeling segregated and unappreciated in dating pools, making it difficult to meet and sustain relationships with potential dating prospects. The problem can seem even more compounded in the gay community in which the emphasis on youth and brawn is amplified, causing many mature gay men to feel undesirable and like outsiders within gay circles. They feel unwanted and that their age hinders them and limits the pool of men available to them for dating, particularly when they report being rejected by men in their own cohort for younger guys. Ageism, or discrimination against someone because of his age, plagues many different layers of our culture—and it also can and does rear its ugly head in the gay dating world. This “over-the-hill” mentality is very damaging, robbing us of the opportunity to really experience life, take risks toward goals, and make the most of what we have (if we let it!). This case is illustrated in the comment of a former 29-year old client: “I turn 30 later this year and then I officially am old! I’ll never have a boyfriend now! I feel like my life is over and it’s all downhill from here on out!” read more >>

Dear Coach:

I have been in a relationship with a closeted bisexual man for a year. He is finding it hard to accept himself and his feelings for me. He has a 3-year old daughter whom I’m very close with and he’s scared of his ex-wife. How do I draw him closer without threatening his security?

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Dear Coach:

I am a gay man with two significant others. I met my first partner seven years ago on a business trip out-of-state. We hit it off immediately and he relocated to live with me two months later. None of my friends and family was particularly supportive of our relationship initially because of the way it all started, but seven years later we are completely committed to each other and are life partners. Four years ago, the two of us moved due to a job relocation. It was about this time that he and I decided to begin playing around with other guys as a way to add some sexual spice to our relationship. We only did it together and the intent was solely for pleasurable sex; “no emotional attachments allowed” was our rule. One of our “tricks”, who happens to be eighteen years our junior, became a regular three-way participant with us and over time we all developed feelings for each other. We didn’t plan on that happening, but it just evolved over time. He moved in with us, and while there was an initial tense adjustment period, we’re very happy and committed to each other, having just celebrated our 3-year anniversary as a threesome. We have our conflicts periodically, but overall it’s very fulfilling. Having added a third significant other to the mix makes me feel like I’m in a family; each of my guys has different qualities that I find attractive and we all share the domestic responsibilities and enjoy the added disposable income.

As complex as the gay couple relationship is, I find additional and unique challenges having added a third person. In addition to being gay, living in a society that presents gay couples with obstacles, having age differences amongst us, and having cultural challenges as well (both my husbands are Latino men and I’m Caucasian), I’ve found little guidance on three-person relationships. Do you have any advice for a gay man who wishes to keep his 3-way relationship strong and his partners happy?

One Plus One Equals Three

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