I cheated on my boyfriend and I’m not sure what to do. We talked about having an open relationship and he was adamantly against it—I was for it, did it anyway, and now I feel guilty as hell. I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t want to lie either. What do I do? read more >>
Dear Coach:
I’ve been in a gay relationship for 9 years and just found out that my partner has been trying to hook up with guys on the Internet. He also told me that on occasion he has gone to certain bathrooms and jerked off with other guys. He tells me he was safe and only watched, but I don’t know what to believe anymore. I threw him out of the house after learning this, but he’s recently moved back in and we’ve been having a hard time ever since. We are seeing a therapist, but the counselor says my partner is remorseful and doesn’t have a sexual addiction. He does take responsibility for what he’s done, but what I’m confused about is that he also told me that his going to the bathrooms also preceded our relationship. If he did it before and while he was with me, why does he say that he did it as a way to handle the problems in our relationship? Can he change? Can he be faithful or am I just setting myself up for failure again?
Confused
Introduction
When the “relationship contract” has been broken by an infidelity in a gay couple’s partnership, the foundation of trust and respect has likely been damaged. Some men opt to sever their ties, unable to cope with the boundary violation that’s occurred, while others decide to work at rebuilding their relationship. Each couple must decide for themselves which option best suits their needs and will be determined largely by the level of investment and commitment each has to endure through the painful tasks involved in recovering from an affair.
Surviving and healing from an affair is possible and requires both partners to take responsibility and channel all their energies into repairing their relationship. Part 1 of this 2-part article series addressed the possible reasons why we cheat and the impact this can have on a relationship. In this article, specific tips and strategies will be offered for those couples who are motivated to overcome the non-monogamy that has occurred in their relationship, thereby promoting their chances for a successful resolution to this crisis. read more >>
Introduction
Nothing destroys the foundation of trust and security in a relationship quite like infidelity does. The gay community at large tends to accept more liberal forms of sexual expression. Without social norms precluding what’s sexually appropriate or not in the context of an intimate relationship, gay men are in a position to choose for themselves the role sex plays in their relationships. As such, most gay couples develop a “relationship contract” of sorts as they begin to merge their lives together about monogamy vs. non-monogamy. For those couples who have agreed to be monogamous, a partner’s affair with another man can create a whirlwind of chaos and pain—and sometimes, the destruction of the relationship itself.
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