Dear Dr. Brian:
I’ve been dating a guy now for 3 months and for the past few weeks, we haven’t been getting together as much and I don’t hear from him as often because he says he’s busy. I’ve asked him about it and he says he has a great time with me and looks forward to spending time together, but that he’s busy or tired. His cell phone seems to be off a lot more now than it used to be. Should I move on? Is he just saying that to be nice, or is he not interested in me anymore? I’m so confused! Help!
I’m sorry that this is happening to you; it sounds like you really like this guy and feel a special connection with him and it’s got to be so disappointing that he doesn’t seem to be reaching out to you as frequently as you hope. Dating can be extremely frustrating when you don’t know how the other guy feels about you and it can make your mind spin.
When someone is really into you, he generally will want contact with you in some form or fashion on a consistent, regular basis. He’ll be enthusiastic and excited to be speaking with you or be in your presence. The fact that your guy doesn’t seem to be doing this doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s not interested in dating you, however. It’s possible he’s taking things slow, is distracted by other things in his life, or perhaps views dating as a lower-level priority in his life.
I wouldn’t necessarily give up on the idea of dating him altogether; you may need more time for the two of you to figure out if this is a good match and if his attentiveness to you will begin to increase over time. At the same time, however, it would also be equally important for you to take the focus exclusively off of him and keep your options open…either by being open to other dating possibilities or focusing your energies on building your life up and making it more fabulous. The one thing you don’t want to do is to get caught up in a pursuer-distancer cycle with this guy. It’s a very common scenario to chase after someone by contacting them a lot when he doesn’t “show up” in your life as often as you’d like; this only serves to cause him to pull away even more, which triggers more insecurity in you and you pursue even more. This type of power struggle will inevitably lead to a negative outcome in many cases.
If you’re doing most of the work in this dating situation, pull back. Give him a chance to pursue you too. And if he still doesn’t initiate the amount of contact that you need, it’s important that you recognize this about him now before investing your heart too much into it because this is evidence about the way he typically navigates in relationships in terms of his need for space and boundaries. You seem like a very passionate guy who cherishes the companionship with someone, and you deserve that. He may not be “built” that way, but there are lots of other guys who are, it’s just a matter of finding them.
So I’d advise you to take the emphasis off of him, and put it more squarely on your life and channeling your energies into other outlets. And then see how things evolve, balancing your attention toward him with other interests. You deserve to be with someone who craves to be with you and who is just as passionate and adoring about you as you are him. You can’t make someone do that, so just observe what happens with him and keep your options open so as to protect yourself just in case. Just remember that one “good catch” deserves another, so never settle for less! I’m cheering for you, good luck!
© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed.None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions