Advice

Dear Dr. Brian:

I am dealing with the break-up of a 9-year relationship and am trying to get on my feet again. He won’t deal with me anymore, but says he still cares about me. It’s really confusing because he’s so cold and distant one minute, and then being endearing the next. It hurts to me to no end to see him going out with other guys and I wish he would be a man and tell me what he wants rather than sending me all these mixed messages. Everyone tells me to leave him and move on, but I can’t help wondering if he’s just going through a midlife crisis or something. What should I do?

Broken Up

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Dear Broken Up:

I’m sorry to hear about your break-up; it appears you had invested a lot of yourself into this relationship and it’s very hurtful with how things transpired and are being dealt with in the aftermath of it all. I can only imagine how painful this must be and it’s important for you to grieve this loss and create a new sense of meaning and purpose in your life to assist yourself in re-building a new life and identity.

It can be extremely difficult to “let go” of an intimate relationship that you had built your life and future upon, especially after 9 years. You can’t be expected to “bounce back” over night; this will be a process and thankfully it sounds like you have a good support system in place to lean on when you need them. Despite all the conflictual feelings you may be having, if your ex-partner continues to hurt you with you his behavior the way you describe, it may be in your best interests and well-being to discontinue contact for a time to allow yourself the opportunity to heal and bring yourself to a stronger place where you’ll be able to make more clear and healthy decisions for yourself. His behavior and presence might be extremely distracting and will make it difficult for you to center yourself and figure out your next steps when he continually triggers you. Setting some boundaries is the first step in empowering and protecting yourself.

Over anything else, your number one priority right now needs to be devoted to taking care of yourself. This means combating any vulnerability to becoming depressed by creating structure to your daily routine, keeping busy, reaching out to friends and family, journaling your thoughts and feelings to facilitate your grieving process, and practicing good self-care through exercise, good nutrition, and adequate sleep. This is also a great opportunity to begin making plans to shape your life in ways that will give you newfound fulfillment and enjoyment.

I encourage you to seek the services of a trained therapist who specializes in gay relationships and grief to help you through this challenging adjustment. The GLBT National Hotline provides referrals to therapists in your area and they also have a free hotline that you can call at allotted times for telephone support when you need it. Their number is 1-888-843-4564. I would also suggest two books dealing with break-ups written specifically for gay men called “Moving On” and “When It’s Time to Leave Your Lover”. You can purchase them here if they would be of interest to you: http://astore.amazon.com/thegaylovecoa-20/detail/1575663783   http://astore.amazon.com/thegaylovecoa-20/detail/0789004976

Finally, here are some articles and advice posts I’ve written on this subject for additional tips: https://thegaylovecoach.com/category/singles-dating/breakups/

Please take care of yourself, my friend. Refuse to allow him to have emotional power over you. You have the ability to take back control of your life and to make it even more fulfilling as before. You deserve it!

All my best,

(c) Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed.None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.
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1 Responses to \'Having a Hard Time with a Break-Up\'

  • On June 18, 12 at 9:50pm, Tree said...

    wow! I have this same problem…inviested my heart, mind and soul into who i thought was the love of my life..only to realise that he had sex with over 30 different men behind my back…and had at least 2 relationships parallel to the one he had with me…i was devastated….at one point we loved each other and i did my best to be a good husband to him..only to note that now, i’m without any returns on the investment i made and I’m left scarred, bruised and holding my hurt

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