- The Gay Love Coach - https://thegaylovecoach.com -

I Want Him Back!

Dear Dr. Brian:

I tend to be a possessive person and have a hard time trusting my partners.  I’m not sure where this insecurity comes from, but I’ve been burned pretty badly in the past from prior lovers who cheated on me. I’ve recently started dating someone new for the past couple of months. Between me not being able to trust him and his own religious beliefs of not having sex until marriage (we’d been having it all along), he decided he needed a break. It’s been a week now and I still haven’t heard from him. I told him I would wait for him to contact me, but I really miss him and want this to work out. What should I do?

____________________________________________________________

Dear Friend:

I’m sorry to hear about the parting of the ways between you and your boyfriend but want to applaud you for having the maturity, insight, and self-awareness to recognize issues within yourself about some of your own personal contributions to some of the issues that were present in the relationship. This is a great thing and can definitely help you moving forward with future involvements. Jealousy and possessiveness can surely kill a budding romance and I encourage you to keep the momentum going by doing what you can, perhaps by working with a counselor, to learn how to manage insecurity and build trust so that future love connections won’t run the risk of being sabotaged when these projections pop out.

As far as your current separation from your boyfriend, it’s important to realize that we can’t “make” someone do something; we only have control over our own behavior. His decision about whether to reconcile with you is not within your control and any efforts on your part to try and exert too much influence might be met with resistance. If he doesn’t want to be together at this time, it’s important to respect his request for space so as not to alienate him and blow any chances for the two of you to work things out if that possibility exists.

So one option is to do nothing and wait for him to contact you. Don’t pine for him, however, as you are then placing all your hopes and expectations for happiness on the fate of whatever happens with him and that certainly is not a dependency you want to have, particularly if you never actually hear from him again. Instead, start living your life and moving on—don’t put it on hold. And if you happen to hear from him…bonus!

Another option would be to send him an e-mail or give him a call as a way to check-in since some time has gone by and he’s been on your mind. Use this as an opportunity to express how much the relationship meant to you and that you miss spending time with him. Ask how he’s doing and acknowledge the challenges that existed in the relationship before, acknowledging and taking responsibility for your part in the difficulties. You could also express a validation and respect for his value in holding off on sex to help him feel acknowledged, heard, and understood. If you’re feeling particularly daring, you could solicit his feedback and thoughts on the possibility of the two of you spending time together with a prohibition against sex so you can work on building other foundational parts of a relationship while respecting his value on holding off on intimacy. Offer this as a gentle invitation, putting the ball in his court. If he bites, great! Proceed slowly from there on out if he wants to give it a second chance.

If you choose the latter option, it’s very important that you not place any expectation of outcome on your effort. If you bank too much on this and you don’t hear from him or if you receive a “no” or a negative response, this could actually do more harm than good for yourself by triggering more anger and hurt and reinforcing your patterns of mistrust in men. Make sure your motives are in the right place and that you’re emotionally in a good place to handle a rejection if it were to possibly come your way, otherwise it might be best to just keep moving forward and view this relationship opportunity that you had had with him as a valuable learning lesson and get some counseling for working through these issues to help maximize your chances of success next time.

All my best to you,

(c) Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed.None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

 

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