Hi Dr. Brian:
I recently ended an 11-year relationship and met someone who was the catalyst to give me the courage to do so. He wasn’t the cause for the demise of my relationship, but only after meeting this new guy that I began to see what my life could be like and realized all that I had been missing. I am often plagued with insecurities and lack of trust and I certainly don’t want these feelings to ruin the beginning of something with this new man. He is very independent, and has never really been in a long-term relationship before and seems to require a lot of time alone. I, on the other hand, am someone who longs to be near the person I am with and at times like to have my own personal space. What is your advice on giving someone their personal space but helping him to see that spending time together is equally important to forging a strong bond and the foundation for a successful and lasting relationship? ________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Friend:
Argh! I can imagine the frustration you must have as you embark on a new relationship that presents itself with so much potential and possibility after what you’d been through in your prior partnership, only to find that excitement hindered by discrepancies in your desires for the amount of quality time spent together. This is not an easy situation because you are in a position where you lack control over what your boyfriend chooses to do.
You’ll first want to identify the origins behind the dynamic. Is it because your partner is new to relationships and doesn’t understand the importance of building a foundation of closeness through consistent shared experiences that requires regular quality time together? Is this possibly a clash of introversion vs. extroversion? If he indeed is an introvert by nature in which he requires plenty of solitude to recharge his batteries and be centered in his life, this is a personality trait that has a poor prognosis for change and is unlikely to be penetrated. Or perhaps is there a dynamic in your relationship that has resulted in the distance you’re experiencing. Does he have emotional or intimacy issues that interfere with his ability to merge? Whatever the source may be, that’s where the answer for the particular intervention lies.
In all relationships, there is the need to have a “couple identity” and an “individual identity”. Too much of the former leaves partners feeling suffocated and lacking a sense of separateness. Too much of the latter leaves partners feeling like roommates with little sense of connection. A healthy balance of the two leaves both partners feeling bonded, yet also free to have their own personal pursuits and goals. This promotes individual growth and also has the added benefit of rejuvenating the relationship and keeping it fresh as you’re both bringing in “fresh air” so to speak. You may want to speak to your partner about this concept.
Communicating your needs to your boyfriend will be important here. Before making your request, highlight what you enjoy and like best about him and what you have together to validate your relationship so he may be more open to hearing what comes next. Ask directly for what you need and the reasons behind it. Show him how passionately you feel about spending more time together so he really sees how important this is to you. Solicit his opinions and feedback as well. Be persuasive without pressuring.
Hopefully he will be receptive to your request and you’ll be well on your way to developing the type of relationship you aspire to have. If he remains resistant or unwilling to negotiate time spent, you then may need to do a self-appraisal of your values and determine if the amount of quality time you’re getting now is sufficient to meet your needs in the long-run. Is that a deal-breaker or would you be willing to bend on that? With this happening so early in the “honeymoon phase” of your relationship, you will want to pinpoint the etiology and see if the situation can be remedied before investing too much of your heart. Feeling lonely in a long-term relationship can be a very deadening experience, so you’ll want to do your prep work now to ensure you and your partner share the same vision and can co-exist as a team under similar needs and goals.
All my best,