Dear Dr. Brian:

My problem is that every guy I go out with ends up finding me very sexy and they always fall in love too fast. Even though I care about them too, there’s no “chase” and then I lose my sex drive. The more they “hit on” me, the more I question that they are (a) not attractive enough; (b) have low confidence, which is a turn-off for me; (c) are emotionally needy; or (d) their feelings appear to me to be a feminine trait, and in turn I lose sexual interest. I want to be in a relationship, but I lose all desire after about 3 months of being with someone. I also don’t cheat because that’s not my style. Why do I always get turned off when a guy falls in love with me and what can I do about it? I don’t like the “feminine emotional attachment” that a guy in love with me has.

Hot Guy Can’t Fall in Love ___________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Hot Guy Can’t Fall in Love:

Thanks for writing and it sounds like you’re at a bit of a crossroads with your dating life. What you describe is a fairly common phenomenon. For many men, the early stages of dating can be one of the more exciting times of a relationship when the chemistry is at its highest and the newness and novelty of the new partner creates an intrigue and mystery that can be rather appealing and almost addictive. “The chase” becomes more of an erotic charge that keeps the guy interested; however, once the pursuit ends with the guy having been conquered (like when he whispers those words, “I love you”), that smoldering high comes crashing down and the attraction for that man comes to a sudden and abrupt halt. There’s no more challenge. While it’s validating to know he feels so strongly for you, it can also at the same time feel frustrating and unnerving because now the conquest is over. And then the cycle repeats over and over with each new dating interest until you suddenly realize you’ve got nothing to show for all your relationship-building efforts.

Where this stems from can be very difficult to pinpoint. Possible theories could be a past history of abandonment, narcissistic personality tendencies, low self-esteem, internalized homophobia, fears of commitment, fears of being suffocated in a relationship, etc. Working with a therapist can be helpful in identifying the origins so that you can learn how to identify the triggers that lead to the recurrent patterns occurring with each subsequent man you date. It also sounds like there could perhaps be some intimacy issues at play, particularly when it comes to emotional intimacy and closeness. Your phrasing of emotional attachment as “feminine” gives off a shade of negativity and something you may be unconsciously trying to distance yourself from…issues surrounding internalized homophobia and masculinity may be areas for you to explore. Embracing man-to-man love challenges every gay man to overcome any struggles they may have with homophobia and their meanings and roles they associate with their own maleness. Our conditioning as men in our society does not easily set us up to be intimate with each other…even as friends and comrades, so giving oneself permission to be vulnerable, open, and exposed with another man on an emotionally intimate level can be immensely stressful. Sex can be easy if it’s only assigned as something mechanical or recreational, but once strong feelings become attached to it, the playing field changes.

I think it would also be important for you to assess your readiness for a relationship. Do you really want a relationship, or are you solely interested in serial casual dating without the emotional entanglements? Is relational involvement your desire, or do you truly only seek the pleasure associated with “the chase and pursuit” aspects of dating. There’s nothing wrong with this, as long as you are honest with yourself and towards the men you become involved with so they know the boundaries up-front and they can make more well-informed decisions about how they would want to proceed. Making an honest appraisal of your priorities will help steer you in the right direction.

I would recommend your working with a professional now to help break the cycle and to get yourself in a more “dateable position” for your next relationship. Armored with new self-awareness and skills, you’ll be in a better position to manage the triggers that get activated when you begin getting more invested into relationships with your boyfriends. You’ll also want to examine more deeply what’s underneath the boredom or anxiety that sets in when the other guy expresses his feelings of depth for you. There is an underlying source to your lowered libido and lack of interest at that point; identify the etiology and write down the associated thoughts and self-talk surrounding this to share with your therapist. You’ll also need to learn how to channel your focus and attention away from “the pursuit” if you genuinely want love and instead redirect it to the man you’re with. Learn how to be more “mindful” and fully present in the moment with your partner (being in the here-and-now), taking note of distractions that take you away and intervening to conquer them.

As you can see, this could potentially be a complex process depending on what’s at play. By addressing the above issues, however, you’ll be well on your way to breaking the cycle. This would possibly mean no more broken hearts from the men who date you and you will have a more fulfilling and rewarding relationship with a compatible match in which you are both willing and able to give and receive love without fear of losing your masculinity or being engulfed because you will have a balanced relationship that celebrates both independence and togetherness. And as cliché as this may sound, before you can give and receive love, you do have to love yourself first, so take this time while you’re single to pursue personal growth outlets to get yourself in great overall wellness. My hope for you is that you will one day, when you are ready, enjoy the “chase” with that one special someone and that once you and he have been “conquered”, it will become a part of your history and legacy as a couple while you build new adventures and milestones into your relationship that will be just as exciting, if not more. And that you’ll totally be receptive and surrender to that experience….because that is one of the ultimate joys of being in a long-term relationship. So keep at it, my friend! Best wishes! You’ll be great!

Cheers,

(c) Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed.None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

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