Advice

I was recently interviewed by “Name It” Magazine for an article they were writing about gay relationships and sexuality. One question they asked was, “Why is sex so important to gay men?” Here was my response:

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Actually, this is one of those common myths and stereotypes about gay sexuality that unfortunately reduces us solely to our penises and gives gay men a bum rap (pun not intended). The gay man as a sex-craved maniac who only thinks about getting laid and getting into as many pants as possible is a view held by our society due to ignorance and homophobia. For much of our culture, the word “gay” or “homosexual” evokes images of what men do sexually with each other and cuts us off from other aspects of our identity. Rather than viewing us as a whole person, tunnel vision is placed on the sexual aspects of our lives as gay men; this marginalizes and defines us solely by our sexual behaviours and perpetuates negative mindsets about our sexual orientation, worth, and value. Sadly, many gay men, and even portions of the gay community, have bought into these messages. It is for this very reason that some gay men may turn to sex as an outlet in response to this discrimination as a way of defiant rebellion and control over their lives or as an expression of projective identification with this image.

 A more realistic explanation, however, rests on the simple fact that sex is an important aspect of life in general–and especially for the male species…straight or gay. For those men in hot pursuit of sexual expression and release, it tends to speak more to the fact that they are men rather than being gay. Studies have shown that the male sex drive tends to be higher, mostly accounting for the fact that there are higher levels of testosterone raging through our bodies. This hormone kick-starts the libido; put two men together with erotic attraction for each other and look out!

 I would encourage gay men to assess the function and role that sex plays in their lives. Does it enrich and enhance your life, or is it being used to act-out emotional conflicts and pain? A healthy sexuality incorporates a pleasure rather than a performance orientation and enhances self-esteem, physical and emotional wellness, and can strengthen relationship connection. It can even be healing in the right contexts. In a given intimate encounter, ask yourself such things as…What are your motives for having sex with this man right now? Are you playing safe? Will you feel good about yourself afterwards?  What are your sexual values and vision for a healthy sexuality for your life? Answering these questions and developing a solid sense of self and integrity, combined with a pride of one’s gay identity, are essential components of high sexual self-esteem that can keep this aspect of your life in healthy balance.

(c) Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

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2 Responses to \'Why Is Sex So Important to Gay Men?\'

  • On January 13, 12 at 3:49pm, David said...

    As a gay guy I find it a shame that sex is displayed as a primary role in same sex relationships. I also think that it’s one of the main reasons why it’s so difficult to have people understand us and accept gay rights. When you go to a pride parade it’s more like you signed up to take part in a sex convention rather than something to support gay rights. Penis balloons, men walking around in their underwear, leather, or simply naked, guys giving eachother handjobs or actually performing oral sex in public. How is this helping the gay community? It’s not, sex is taboo, it’s always been and probably will always be. The fact that a lot of gay men even choose to display such a thing at an event that was meant to support them is embarrassing. I think for us to gain any support and rights we need to tone it down on the sex and show that we aren’t these taboo creatures that only crave sex.

  • On May 17, 13 at 5:38am, Jayra P said...

    I am strongly agree with david. He emphasized the gay rights in the community. The truth here says͵ that getting what we want does not guarantee our happiness. we gays created because we are very talented but because of the influence.that we can get in the society our mind gets dirty while we are unaware of using it. Gay pride is something to be treasured because we are fighting the rights and privileges that we can attain on it. however͵ displaying sexual exposure to public like having oral sex and wearing underwear is likely that people dont like it. No matter what are there intentions but they should think what would be the effect on it to people who look at them. Gay Pride is for everyone but we should be careful displaying sexual explicit to public. I love Gay Pride.

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