Dear Dr. Brian,

I’m an experienced dater who is dating someone quite shy. Things have  been going well over the last several months, and I’ve been well-behaved and considerate. I’ve also been sure to live my own life while getting caught up in all the feelings associated a budding  “interest.” While things are going well, I’ve vocalized my “like” for him, when in fact, I’ve got some pretty strong feelings for him. He’s so shy and  quiet, I’m scared to turn him off. And, he’s never been in a  relationship before.  So, do you have any advice? I feel as though there is a communication deficit and I’d like to bridge the gap, encouraging him  to express what it is he might feel for me, while respecting his gentler nature.

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Dear Friend:

Kudos to you for recognizing the value that a shy guy can offer to dating relationship! And while their quiet and innocent demure can be ravishingly attractive, their reticence at the same time can add an element of confusion and frustration as you attempt to engage them during your courtship.

Perhaps his shyness stems from a basic temperament he was born with that exemplifies his personality. Or maybe he’s a little insecure and has some self-esteem issues that he’s grappling with that might diminish the more comfortable he becomes with you. Whatever the source, his shyness is ultimately his issue and there’s not much control you have over whether he’s in or out of his shell. However, there are a few things you might try to help break him of his inhibitions so he becomes a bit more of an active participant in the budding relationship.

Help boost his confidence by validating the things he’s good at. Recognize his talents and give positive strokes for things he says or does that mirror more of the behaviors you’re seeking. For example, “Thanks for sharing your opinion about that. I really like it when you talk about how you’re feeling.” Reinforce those behaviors that you appreciate by acknowledging them in the moment, and avoid shaming or criticizing his quietness.

Try to plan dates or activities where he might shine. Shy men do best in situations where they feel a sense of control, where there’s an absence of performance anxiety, and in settings that are structured and have a purpose-driven format. If you’re looking for more expressiveness from him, try asking him open-ended questions where further elaboration is required during dialogues rather than simple yes/no responses.

Aside from that, show him the time of his life! And there’s nothing wrong with you sharing your thoughts and feelings with him; he may just mirror your actions. Remember that you have the right to ask for what you need and want, so it’s important not to enable shy behavior by not speaking up if your needs aren’t being met. It can very easy when dating a shy man to be put in the position of always “taking the lead.” Try adding some balance to this by providing opportunities for him to initiate, offer opinions, give feedback, or collaborate in problem-solving. It does take two to tango, so after giving the relationship time to develop and evolve, assess your guy’s level of involvement and investment in your romance to determine if his level of engagement matches your personal requirements for a relationship.

The key to bringing a shy guy around is to create an atmosphere in your relationship to where he feels safe. Once this is achieved, in most cases the inhibitions will decrease and you just might find a wild man on your hands bubbling just below the surface, bringing out another aspect of his nature for you to fall in love with in addition to his sweetness. Enjoy!

All my best,

(c) Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed.None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

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