Dear Dr. Brian:
I’ve recently started seeing a guy and things are going really well so far. He is open, genuine, and I’m very attracted to him and he seems to reciprocate my feelings of interest. My problem is that I have low self-esteem and I’m concerned about various things, such as my liking to view pornography and my fear that I’ll cheat on him as a form of self-sabotage. I’m working with a therapist, but I’m still struggling with feelings of insecurity and fear. Would it be best to kill the relationship until I can work these things out?__________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Friend:
It sounds like you may potentially have a good thing going with this new guy. Congrats on this as finding a mutually-satisfying dating relationship with someone is cause for celebration!
Your question is a difficult one. Many addiction models dictate that it is best to avoid dating and intimate relationships until an “addiction” is curbed or under solid management. Some questions you might pose to yourself include: “What role does viewing pornography play in my life?”; “In what ways does it enrich vs. hinder my life and relationships?”; “Is it truly an ‘addiction’, or is it a means for sexual relief, recreational viewing, a defense mechanism, or some other motive?” “How much does porn interfere with your daily activities and distract from the attention you give to your dating relationship?”
Perhaps a more pivotal question might be…”Where does your commitment lie? To porn? Self-sabotaging behaviors? Or to realizing your vision for a fulfilling relationship with a man and following through with what’s most needed to make that a reality? If it’s the latter, then that entails exercising the determination and perseverance needed to confront and overcome your fears and triggers that might get in the way of your experiencing true intimacy with a partner.
Managing your impulses to view porn or engage in self-sabotaging behaviors can be extremely challenging when you’re doing your best to simultaneously build a relationship with someone promising. It can be distracting. Good relationships can be hard to come by. Ultimately, though, if your commitment is to having a lasting partnership with someone, your energies would be better served being directed toward outlets at building and nurturing the relationship rather than focusing on and reinforcing the negative feelings and fears. It’s a wonderful thing that you’re in therapy and hopefully your work there will aid you in learning how to identify and combat your triggers that have provoked your self-defeating behaviors so you can channel them toward more productive and healthy outlets. Continued work on strengthening your self-esteem and managing projections will also be key.
Often times, there can be no greater laboratory for healing some of our wounds and facilitating true personal growth than in the context of a relationship with someone who’s willing to work with us as a team. Your first responsibility is to yourself and ensuring that you can be the best “you” that you can be for your own life and as a partner in a couple. The question is, can you do that successfully while you’re dating someone? Only you can answer that, but it’s important to analyze your response to that question in terms of whether it’s coming from a place of truth or if it’s a defense acting against you because of your fears of intimacy. What are you willing to sacrifice for love? What is your allegiance ultimately toward? Let these answers guide your behavior accordingly. You deserve greatness.
All my best,
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On May 19, 12 at 7:31am, Gus Felice said...
I’m a clinical psychologist and gay. I endorse everything that Dr. Rzepczynski has to say above. But I would say one thing more. While many things–situational or psychological–can trigger addictive behavior, in the end the addiction takes on a life of its own. In the bad old days, Freudian psychoanalysts believed that alcoholic drinking was only a symptom. They believed that if the underlying psychological issues were made conscious and resolved, the addictive behavior would cease on its own. They were wrong. Many very self-aware and extensively psychoanalyzed alcoholics drank themselves to death. Here’s my take after 40 years as a therapist: As long as you keep in place the ‘escape hatch’ (i.e., the addiction to porn) that you have used to cope with whatever troubling feelings or thoughts got and keep you hooked, you will probably never dive deep enough into the feelings or issues to resolve them. No matter how hard it may be to do (and I thoroughly endorse 12-Step groups to help kick habits), you need to stop the addictive behavior. Get rid of the porn. Avoid the computer or, if you can’t, have your partner put cyberlocks on the porn, or put the computer in the living room. Get a sponsor. Go to Sex Addict or Sex and Love Addict meetings. But stop using porn. I can virtually guarantee that your therapy instantly will become more intense and productive. And your sexuality will likely become much more integrated in your relationship.