Advice

Dear Dr. Brian:

I’ve been dating a man for well over a year now and while we’ve had a tremendously difficult relationship, the “ups” have far outweighed the “downs”. I’ve learned that a lot of our issues come from my insecurities. I can’t seem to build trust him and when I do, my own paranoia tears it down. The only reason I’ve ever had to be cautious of him is because of the fact that his prior relationships were non-monogamous and I’m the first guy that he’s chosen to be exclusive with. He’s always been up front with me about his past and has never tried to hide it.

I find my suspicions of his cheating on me to be uncontrollable at times and he’s done nothing to warrant my thinking he’s done something deceptive. I know my thoughts are irrational, but I can’t seem to get beyond them and I’m afraid they’re going to destroy my relationship with him. I have a lot of negativity about dating in the gay community; I think it’s very hard with so many men seemingly being so mischevious and filthy.

I want to get beyond this and be able to enjoy our relationship like I have in the past. Help! ___________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Friend:

Thanks for writing and kudos to you for being aware of your issues and the role they could play in a potential self-sabotage if not managed carefully. Insecurity can be a very dangerous thing in a relationship if it gets acted out and it’s extremely important the sources of it so they can be worked through and not displaced onto your current relationship.

Unless your partner has done something within the context of your relationship together to cause you to question his honesty, integrity, and faithfulness, then the insecurities you may be having are likely projections. Projections are thoughts and feelings that are ascribed to another person based on past experiences that may have happened. For example, if you were cheated on by a boyfriend in your past and then accuse a current partner of such indiscretions because of mistrust issues (despite the fact that there is no evidence of such accusations), then projection is at play.
Insecurity, jealousy, and building trust are issues best dealt with in therapy. I recommend you seek out the services of a licensed therapist in your area who specializes in gay issues and anxiety to help you sort through your insecurities and facilitate the healing process from any unfinished business or emotional wounds from the past that contribute to projections that might occur in your relationship. Without some intervention in these areas, the relationship could be placed in harm’s way if you find yourself acting-out these feelings.

Cheers to you for already being aware of these tendencies in yourself and wanting to nip them in the bud before they become problematic to your relationship. In addition to snapping yourself with a rubber band around your wrist when you feel the urge to act on an unwarranted assumption, making daily acknowledgements and gratitudes of the positives of your relationship, and validating and giving your partner positive strokes for the things he does for you and letting him know how much he means to you to heighten more positive energy than negative, I encourage you to read the following three articles I’ve written on managing insecurity, jealousy, and building trust. Pick and choose the things that are applicable for you.
Managing Insecurity:
https://thegaylovecoach.com/2007/05/the-insecure-partner/

Managing Jealousy:
https://thegaylovecoach.com/2005/06/squashing-the-gay-relationship-killer-known-as-jealousy/

Re-building Trust in Relationships
https://thegaylovecoach.com/2007/03/restoring-trust-in-gay-relationships/

I hope this helps! Be careful of overgeneralizations in your thinking (you’ll know you’re doing this if you use words like always, never, everybody, nobody, etc.) Not all gay men are dishonest and “mischievous”. Just because your partner had open relationships in the past does not mean that he can’t commit to you in a monogamous arrangement. Be mindful of the thoughts that go through your head and question whether they help or hinder your efforts to bring about more trust and relaxation in your life and relationship.

Good luck! Enjoy what you have and be true to yourself, making sure to align your own behavior with the type of man you’d like to be as part of your value system. That can go a long way toward helping you with this type of situation as well. Take good care!

(c) Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.
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1 Responses to \'Insecurity is Ruining My Relationship!\'

  • On September 22, 15 at 2:09pm, Xzy said...

    NO! Jealousy is healthy especially in what is supposed to be a monogamous relationship; it shows that you feel protective of the other person and that what they do has an impact on you. Insecurities come about when you feel that the person you are with doesn’t love you or you don’t feel good enough for him or her. There have been studies that show that men and women who identify as bisexual or homosexual are very open about having had been cheated on. People all need to learn they can be loved fully by one person, they do not have to be beguiled into an open relationship, or think that is the only applicable relationship for gay men…

    It all is just going back to what you want in a relationship. and not wavering on your wants and the love you know you can give out and deserve

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