Advice

Dear Dr. Brian:

I have met a guy that I really like, but I don’t know what to do because I’ve never really dated before. He is great and is someone I can see myself being with for a long time. I don’t want to mess this up…what should I do?

Dating Virgin

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Dear Dating Virgin:

Congrats to you on meeting someone whom you share a strong connection with! You sound very excited about getting to know him better and my first word of advice is to relax and enjoy! This stage of your dating process is all about fun and getting to know your new prospect through shared experiences and recreation. By worrying about the future with this guy before it’s even had a chance to get off the ground will cause you to feel a lot of distracting anxiety that will rob you of the opportunity to have fun and be yourself. Such anxiety could also come across in your body language and your new guy might be able to see your tension; plus, you don’t want to feel like you have to be engaging in a performance every time you get together with him. So breathe, be your true self, and allow the relationship to evolve naturally.

There’s no specific formula for dating, but you can definitely increase your chances of success by taking the emphasis off of the other guy and what he might be thinking about you and instead place it on yourself. Make sure that you have a very clear vision of what you’re looking for in a potential partner and relationship and make a list of all your needs for each. Identify those needs that are negotiable (things you’d be willing to bend on) versus those that are non-negotiable (these are deal-breakers, those things you absolutely must have or cannot have to be in the relationship). Your deal-breaker needs represent your core values and these will be the qualities and characteristics that you’ll be using to screen your new guy to make sure he matches your vision for the ideal man.

No matter how hot he is or how much you have in common, if a dating prospect doesn’t align with your vision and needs, you’ll be setting yourself up for pain and disappointment the more you invest in a future with him. You don’t want just any guy; you want the right guy!

So as you’re getting to know this new guy you’re seeing, I encourage you to avoid fretting about whether it’s going to work out, and instead keep the focus on having fun and screening him to determine his goodness-of-fit with you. Good communication skills, positive self-esteem and confidence, savvy social skills, and identification of any self-defeating or sabotaging behaviors you might have and formulation of action strategies to overcome them are other key essentials you’ll want to master to maximize your chances of dating success.

So enjoy this special time of your dating relationship and make sure to show off your authentic, genuine self! You have nothing to prove, so relax and enjoy the moment. Please read the other dating articles on my website for some additional pointers and tips. Have a great time!

Cheers,

(c) Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed.None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.
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1 Responses to \'Dating a New Guy…I Don’t Want to Blow It!\'

  • On January 15, 11 at 1:18pm, Ron H said...

    I am going through this exact same ordeal. I am 46 and have been in 3 relationships. (which 1 lasted 17 yrs,1 6yrs and the last 6months) I have never been through the dating experience and am having trouble dealing with my emotions. It is really tearing me up inside.I really appreciate reading this article as I will read this particular one every time I am feeling like this so that I won’t do something stupid and blow losing a great man. Thanks!!!!

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