Dear Coach:
My mom called me today to tell me that my brother had told her and my father that he was gay; she had assumed that I’d known. My brother has not told me yet, but I’ve had my suspicions for quite some time now. I love and support my brother and would stand beside him as an openly gay man. How should I talk to him about something he may be too afraid to tell me?
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Hello Friend:
Thanks for writing! I am struck by and admire your proactive concern and support for your brother as he goes through his coming-out process; I wish there were more of you out there! Coming out can be a very challenging and sometimes traumatizing journey for many gay men that’s often wrought with confusion and fear, particularly as they contemplate whether their family and friends will be accepting of their stigmatized sexual orientation or if they will react with disdain and rejection. Your brother is very lucky to have you in his support network; he just doesn’t know that you’re even in his corner yet!
Coming out is a very private matter and each man needs to be able to negotiate his readiness to share his reality with whom he feels he can at the time and place he feels most comfortable with. It’s generally best that he be in control of the timing and pacing and that he take the responsibility for sharing his news as it is a very validating and self-empowering experience important for his self-esteem and confidence.
You have a few options available to you that you can choose from in how you proceed. You can choose to do nothing and wait to allow him time and choice of whether and when he discloses his sexuality to you. Since you already know from your mother, you could also choose to buffer the situation somewhat for him to make his transition to talking to you less anxiety-provoking by talking about gay issues in the affirmative in casual conversations when you’re with him. During these times, you could share your personal views of acceptance and support for the gay community. Or if something pops up on TV, on the radio, in the movies, or on some kind of advertising that relates to homosexuality when you’re with him, you could also use this as an opportunity to drop “hints” to him that he’s with a safe person that he can trust. Or finally, depending on the kind of relationship you have with your brother, you could also be direct with him in sharing that you acquired knowledge of the fact of his being gay and that you support him unconditionally and love him. Consider that this could potentially be a breach of confidentiality with your mother and could cause some issues between your brother and parents if he feels they betrayed his trust. Also with this option, it’s important to respect your brother’s reaction to your statement; if he denies the fact, accept and respect his answer as is without pressure—he obviously then needs more time to work through some continued inner conflicts. Make it known to him your positive and accepting views of LGBT men and women, and disengage. He will approach you in the future when he is more emotionally ready. When coming out, each gay individual goes through a process of what each relationship in his life means to him and how the impact of the disclosure could impact the relationships and what it could mean for the future. If he’s still resistant to being open with you, it’s important to not take it personally and to allow him the space he needs to process his relationship with you on his own first.
You and your family may benefit from participation in PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), a national organization for those who have a gay loved one in their life. It’s a wonderful resource and I highly recommend it: http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=194&srcid=-2
Thank you again for writing and I want to wish you and your brother all the best with this. You are truly inspirational and your brother is a lucky guy to have you in his inner circle. Cheers!
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