Dear Coach:

My ex-boyfriend wants to get back with me after a recent breakup. Should we reconcile?

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Hello Friend!

Deciding about whether to get back together with someone you’ve broken up with requires some serious introspection, preparation, and planning before getting your heart involved and invested again, particularly if the relationship was tenuous and the couple didn’t treat each other with the necessary love and respect that’s deserved.

I would encourage you first and foremost to take a serious look at what your motives would be for reconciling with your ex-boyfriend. Particularly if he hurt you, it would be important to ask yourself why you are feeling compelled to return to such a situation. Is it truly out of love and a genuine belief that your ex meets your personal requirements and needs for a partner and relationship and that he’s got the maturity and capability of working towards positive change? Or are you drawn out of guilt, fear, loneliness, or a need to fill a void or to have a sense of security? The latter would not be healthy reasons to get back together and you will only be setting yourself up to get hurt again. You will want to address those issues for yourself, otherwise you will run the risk of continuing to get in similar types of relationships with similar kinds of men with similar negative outcomes.  If there was domestic violence, getting back together would be ill-advised; at least until the perpetrator of the aggression received adequate psychological treatment and demonstrated lasting improvement over a consistent period of time.

You will also want to make sure your ex’s desire to reconcile is of the purest motives as well. If they are, then your next step is to proceed very slowly as you make plans to start over on a more healthy platform. I would encourage the two of you to begin couples counseling with a trained therapist who specializes in gay relationships. Changing patterns and dynamics in a relationship is not an easy task and having a professional to help guide the two of you will certainly increase the odds of a positive prognosis.

One surefire way to gauge you and your ex’s readiness for a relationship again is to determine the degree of responsibility you each take for what went wrong before. The two of you will want to sit down and discuss all the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship before and identify the roles each of you played that contributed to the problems. It takes two to tango, and if your ex doesn’t take any accountability for what went wrong and blames you for the issues, take this as a sign to run for the hills! It will be important for you each to identify the lessons you’ve learned and what will be different this time around.

The two of you could collaboratively create a vision for your ideal relationship and develop goals to ensure you are striving toward that. Improving your communication and learning ways to resolve conflict and manage anger more appropriately would definitely be important goals to add to your list! Scheduling regular meetings with each other to discuss how your relationship is evolving and if you are on track with your goals will help to keep the relationship a priority and to ensure you’re both centered. It’s also important for the two of you to identify the triggers that led to hurtful interactions in the past and to develop action plans for how to handle these situations again to ensure more positive outcomes.

Developing trust will take time and the two of you will also need to figure out ways of making the relationship feel safe again to allow the security to re-establish itself. Re-courting each other all over again will be essential to restoring the intimacy that was damaged. Avoid rushing into a full-blown commitment. Allow time to learn and apply your new relationship skills to ensure that the changes will really stick before immersing yourself back into a committed partnership again. Go slow, be conscious and mindful of all your actions, and keep the communication alive and steady if reconciliation is the path you decide to take. It might also be helpful for you to speak to a counselor before doing anything to thoroughly clarify your needs and feelings before making such an important life-changing decision. It’s important obviously to protect yourself.  Good luck with your personal inventory, my friend! Take good care of yourself and be deliberate in your actions by making choices with your logical mind and avoiding impulsive moves predicated by your emotions. Be well!

All my best,

(c) Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed.None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

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