Advice

Dear Coach:

My boyfriend and I talk about marriage all the time and our future. This is the real deal; the last man I will ever be with. I am ready to move to the next level of our relationship without any doubts or regrets. My boyfriend, however, is not ready yet. What does that mean?  Why talk about marriage and a future if he is not ready for the living-together step? Is it me?

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Hello Friend:

Argh! It’s always a frustrating situation when a couple isn’t on the same page about something, especially when that something is as important as future life-planning and marriage. I’m sorry to hear you guys aren’t in the same place yet on this particular issue, but this certainly doesn’t mean this is a sign to “throw in the towel.”

While it can be difficult not to, it’s important to try and avoid personalizing your partner’s lack of desire to take a deeper step in commitment in your relationship at this particular juncture. Timing is everything and it’s not uncommon for partners to have different readiness levels when it comes to many developmental issues in a relationship. Patience can be your best virtue because the last thing you want to do is to get embroiled in a power struggle over something like this. If your partner isn’t emotionally ready at this time to take that next step, it would be sabotage to even attempt to push or pressure him as it will only lead to conflict and withdrawal.

Acceptance of where things are right now and appreciating what you have are keys to maintaining your patience until your partner is ready to say “I do.” This doesn’t mean doing nothing in the interim, however. It’s important to nurture and attend to your relationship in all the ways you have thus far to sustain its success and energy to bridge it to deeper levels of intimacy and connection.

As with everything, communication can help significantly in managing your dilemma. It will be helpful for you to learn about your boyfriend’s hopes and dreams and validate those for him. Sit down with each other one day and discuss the concept of commitment and the future and what it means to each of you. How do you feel about commitment? What does commitment mean to you? Look like? Feel like? What is it about marriage and deepening your commitment that’s becoming to you? What are your fears and reservations about commitment and marriage? Just having this type of discussion can lead to the answering of many questions and give each of you an idea of where you’re both coming from and if there are any emotional blocks possibly getting in the way of moving forward that you could work together as a team toward eradicating. Another good question might be, “How will you know when you’re ready to take that “next step?” “What personal or relational conditions need to be met before you’re comfortable with the idea?” Again, in your own language is best and in a casual low-key conversation style so he doesn’t feel ganged up on or backed in a corner. The conversation should be reciprocal, give-and-take, and balanced.

Another thing the two of you can do in the interim until that glorious day is to begin crafting a “relationship vision”. You can discuss what your ideal relationship would look like and how it would function. What would it look like, feel like, and be like? What are your goals and aspirations for yourselves as individuals and as a couple for your relationship? You can journal about this or create a collage together in which you cut out pictures, images, words, and symbols from magazines that depict this “vision” and paste them to a posterboard that you post in a place you each would see on a daily basis. This becomes a motivator and incentive toward ensuring you’re working toward those goals and it also can serve as a visual reminder for your boyfriend so you don’t have to keep bringing up the issue all the time…he’ll be reminded of it every time he walks into the kitchen! You can also create a scrapbook of your life as a couple to begin gathering momentos of your shared history in-the-making!

So hang in there, my friend! All good things come to those who wait, they say! By giving your boyfriend the gift of time and patience, you will reap the benefits of a partner who can fully devote himself to the process and it will be a much more joyous time of celebration for all. Everyone has to go through their own “growing pains” at their own pace, so unless there are psychological blocks, a “commitment phobia”, or relationship problems underlying the stalling of your relationship development, allow your partner the space to work through things on his own and offer your support in whatever ways he may need while you channel your energies into keeping your relationship energized and keeping your independent life purposeful and fun until that magical day happens. Good luck!

All my best,

(c) Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed.None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.


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