While this isn’t a dating or relationship question, I received this letter from a reader and was particularly struck by it and wanted to share this post with the community. Please give it a read and feel free to offer any of your own advice or suggestions to this college student seeking some direction. It’s a tricky one with multiple perspectives!
Dear Coach:
I am an 18 year-old gay guy in college who has been “out” about his sexuality for
roughly two years. I have multiple problems that stem from one major problem. I’m not sure if I should be “out” on Campus. I am going to a school that is of moderate right-wing affiliation that has been endorsed by anti-gay politicians in the community, and as I’ve been doing research, I’ve noticed, they are notoriously slow at implementing GLBT programs. The problem is, I am majoring in Medicine, so I have high hopes and great challenges ahead.
I’ve been debating that if I “come out” at my school, would that be a plus or a negative to the future of my medical career? On one side of the argument, I know I should focus 100% on my education, regardless of my orientation; on the other hand, I have supreme leadership qualities, and I quite often do not follow the mainstream population, and I feel, if I don’t come out, I am leaving my fellow closeted gay friends in a bind and am enabling homophobia. All too much, we gay men are afraid to come out and be who we are, which, in my opinion, makes it harder for the next generation to come out. My mother insists I be closeted in college, as she feels our state has not quite adapted to the homosexual understanding.
I am very confused, as there is much that I want to do…I’d like to fall in love with a college sweetheart, adopt kids overseas, and create programs dedicated to helping parents understand that homosexuality is ok, and they should not feel they need to change their child or children’s orientation. My medical career plans are also very central to me and I also don’t want to do anything that would harm that, yet I also feel driven by my needs to fight for gay rights. I was wondering, do you have any advice for college gays whom are hesitant about coming out, but, think that coming out would be best for the overall well-being of the gay community at the University?
A wise man once said,
“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments
of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge
and controversy.”
I treasure this statement, and, honestly, I do not want to be seen as a hypocrite!
Please help!
Signed,
Confused, heartbroken, and upset
___________________________________________________________________
Dear Friend:
I had to smile as I read your letter, thinking to myself, “Wow! This young man is definitely going places!” Thank you for writing and I’m very impressed by what you had to say and I’m honored to make your acquaintance. Your ambition and desire to make a difference in gay rights and liberation is quite honorable and I have no doubts after reading your letter and feeling your passion shine through that the day will come when you make a splash that is going to further our cause in some way.
I can certainly appreciate your dilemma as you begin your studies at your conservative school. What your decision is going to boil down to is to choose between your personal values and your educational goals. Pretty heavy stuff since both are so essential to your quality-of-life! This is not something you want to dive into quickly because there’s obviously a lot at stake (your future!), so I would advise you to temper your emotion and impulses concerning your advocacy needs for the LGBT at your college (but don’t lose your fighting spirit!) and spend a great deal of time thinking things through first before acting. I would encourage you to do a cost/benefit analysis of your dilemma by writing out all the advantages and the disadvantages of “coming out” at school vs. the pros and cons of being “closeted” and see what emerges from that.
You must be very careful in whatever direction you proceed. Many people’s careers and lives have been significantly damaged by trying to impact change in right-winged institutions and communities. You are also very correct in that the only way we as gay people are ever going to claim equal rights and treatment is by asserting ourselves and refusing to succumb to homophobic pressures to remain invisible and silent. Only you can make the choice that’s going to be right for you and it’s important to consider all the positive and negative consequences that will go along with either option you choose and to take responsibility for those. It’s also more difficult for only one individual to influence a system; change occurs more rapidly and dramatically when confronted by groups of people, as evidenced by the various revolutions that have occurred historically in our society. It’s important to keep this in mind as you move forward with your planning.
If you decide to “go for it” and fight the university system, it will be important to rally together other supporters and allies. This option does hold considerable risk to your reputation and image on campus and could potentially cause problems for you in your education and standing at the school due to homophobic backlash at what they will perceive as your rebellion to upset their structure. There’s also no guarantee that these things would happen and you could actually become an innovator of positive change with your advocacy for gay rights too, but there’s no telling. Weigh the risks carefully.
Here’s another perspective for you to consider. Timing is also a critical consideration in your decision-making. For example, a gay adolescent in high school who lives at home with his parents is usually advised to hold off on “coming out” unless there are some assurances that he will be accepted unconditionally. Due to the fact that most gay teens are financially dependent on their families at this stage of life, a nightmare “coming out” experience with the family that could result in a banishment of the teen from the home puts him at considerable risk with homelessness potential, etc. The same thing could be said about your situation with your college. Is the potential risk of your education and future career being jeopardized worth it to you to fight for your values at this specific time? Or perhaps you could postpone your advocacy efforts until after you’ve already established yourself safely with degree/diploma in hand and then make your mark for LGBT rights. The choice is ultimately yours, but it’s also important to be aware that one cannot usually effectively help another person or community until he is solid himself and has his own foundation set. May you be better able to serve and carry out your vision once you’ve obtained your education by having more tools and experience at hand?
If you decide to postpone your advocacy desires, it doesn’t mean you have to necessarily put them on the back shelf until you earn your degree. What are some other ways you can meet your needs for fighting for gay rights? Are there other outlets or avenues you could channel your energies toward that wouldn’t tamper directly with your educational pursuits? You could search out other national gay rights agencies, such as Human Rights Campaign (http://www.hrc.org/) for example, and inquire about volunteer opportunities through them to feed that part of you that hungers to make a difference…at least until you’re ready to seek out on your own personal path of leadership. And if you feel like you’re selling yourself out by not doing something about the state of affairs at your school, it might also be prudent to examine whether that is the type of school you want to gain your education and perhaps seek out other institutions of higher learning that might be a better “goodness-of-fit” for you. Searching out books on “coming out” in school or in the workplace might also shed some additional light for you on how to cope most productively with your situation.
I hope that sharing these varying perspectives helps you to clarify a little better about what will ultimately be best for you in the long-run. Only you can make this most personal decision and it’s important to factor in all the different angles and weigh the risks with the rewards. Whatever you decide, I encourage you to protect yourself first and foremost because it will be difficult for you to accomplish your lofty goals and ambitions without having a solid and centered foundation to start and grow from (and fall back on resourcefully). Timing is crucial, and it’s wise to make an honest appraisal of whether you are emotionally and financially equipped to take on the challenges and inherent responsibilities that come with trying to change a dysfunctional system while trying to balance all the other roles and demands you have going on in your life. You can’t be any good to anyone else until you yourself are healthy, grounded, and well-taken care of.
I wish you all the best with your quest, my friend. Whether it be now during your college career or sometime thereafter when you establish your professional identity in the psychiatric field, I can sense that you’re going to be instrumental to the lives of many and you’ll be making quite a legacy for yourself. Thank you again for writing and you’d better keep me posted! We need passionate, strong, gay men such as yourself, but it’s very important to take good care of yourself first and protect your interests so you can then better make the most of your passions and talents. Cheers to you! Good luck! You’re something special!
All my best,
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On January 07, 10 at 10:27pm, Brian said...
Speaking of medical doctors and physicians, by the way, I would like to highlight the importance of more gay physicians “coming out” in the community to allow more LGBT’s the ability to find them. We often times feel safer meeting with a gay doctor for our health needs who can better understand our life circumstances and issues, but it’s amazing at how difficult it can be to locate such medical professionals! Even in a large metropolitan area like the Chicago suburbs where I live, one can be hard-pressed to find a gay doctor without having to travel miles to get to the known gay neighborhoods where many doctors can be accessed, and it’s made that much more challenging for those men who live in rural areas or towns where an established gay community may not be present. So come on “out” docs! Help us find you!
If you are having trouble finding a gay or gay-friendly medical physician, here’s a site that might potentially be of some assistance:
The Gay and Lesbian Medical Association:
http://www.glma.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=Page.ViewPage&PageID=677
Cheers, Brian, The Gay Love Coach
On March 26, 10 at 10:05pm, MitchBurns09 said...
Hi I would just like to say I think this young man is extremely , well cool. I’m working as a waiter/bar manager at the moment, so obviously way not in this guy’s league, however I have chosen to come out and live in a small town everyone knows; however, I’m also a respected resident as I have good people skills and am a hard and consistent worker. I mean I get a lot of questions my way about this and that but at the same time I’m comfortable with myself and my mother is very supportive. So as Coach said, you have a lot at stake, weigh up the pros and cons, and do what you think is right, which is all anyone can do, successful or not. If you are not happy with who you are, what is the point.
On December 30, 10 at 1:34am, ANON said...
As a student entering medicine myself, I asked myself this same question. Should I be out? and should I advertise it. I was the president of the gay club at my university and had teamed up with some pretty big local non-profits and was really proud of my accomplishments and there was no way I wouldn’t want to brag about it on my graduate applications.
I asked my advisory (who later told me she was lesbian), what her thoughts were. She said “Look at me. I did it” and she laughed. Shes’ an older butch lesbian with white hair and muscles that could break walls. She had worked with the VA after graduating for a few years and said she made it work. she said all they wanted to know was that you cared and that you could work.
Another thing i considered is that, for my own health and safety, I didn’t want to be working with an adviser or program that was not open and had misinformed thoughts about being homosexual. If they couldn’t see the value in my work then I would much rather take my gifts else where to a school that could see what i have to offer, regardless of my sexual orientation.
Medical Schools, along with all grad schools can be really tough to get into. But one thing I have come to realize is that I have done more than most of my straight peers (not necessarily dependent on my orientation) and being gay has provided me with a depth and “challenge” that most directors really want to see have been overcome. It makes for a good story on an application, as well as develops an empathetic physician.
I would suggest contacting liberal medical schools (typically coastal states such as the university of Washington or UCSF in California) and scheduling an appointment with with an adviser. Let them know about your concerns and ask for some advise. I’m sure many will inform you about the LGBT medical clubs at their university. Also, contact one of the physicians via http://www.glma.org/, ask them what their experience was like and what they would recommenced.
Good luck to you on your journey. It sounds like you have a great head on your shoulders. As your making this decision, consider the fact that if you do come out, you may be paving the way for another student just like you, who has the exact same questions, and can in turn be a leader for all future LGBT physicians.