My partner and I have been together for 20 years and are very much in love. We are both very successful. I am out with friends and family. He is not out with his family – or at work. We have a house together. When he is on the phone i have to remain silent so as to not be heard. He often gets dragged out to events after work because nobody knows he has someone waiting for him. When his family comes to visit – I move into a hotel for a night or a few days.
I realize he is operating from a point of fear. I want to be supportive. However – I am in my 40′s now - and well I am starting to feel “invisible” – like I am choking. We have limited our friends to just a few. He hates to leave the house for fear of being seen together.
I have tried to make him see that we need to “come out ” at least a little , but he can’t take the humiliation. He has spun such a web now that to “come out” will be devastating for him and his ‘friends” that do not know.
I still love him – but I am suffocating ! How do I make him see this and “HEAR” me?
Lonely
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Dear Lonely:
You are definitely in a difficult situation and your struggles are commonplace for men in your particular relationship style. Generally speaking, it has been observed that men of similar “levels of outness” tend to experience less stress and conflict and tend to report higher levels of relationship satisfaction than those couples in discordant identity arrangements.
For you being the partner with more comfort and pride in your sexual identity, it is likely that you often times feel “held back” by your partner’s lack of security with himself as you are limited in the types of things you can do in public, and even within the confines of your own support network with family and friends. As such, it can feel like you are being forced back “into the closet” after having worked so hard over time to claim a positive self-concept as a gay man. Conversely, your partner can feel pressured before he’s ready to take on situations that are risky and threatening to him and a perpetual push/pull dynamic gets set in motion in these types of relationships that can make both of you feel overwhelmed, resentful, and unsupported. Probably sounds familiar, I bet.
I wish I had better news for you, but unfortunately there’s not a whole lot you can necessarily do on your end for him. Your partner’s closeted lifestyle preference is his issue and you can’t “make” him change his ways , and it’s solely his responsibility to come out to others when and if he chooses. All you can do is communicate your needs and feelings to him and share with him your concerns that your differing levels of “outness” have on your relationship and what it means for the two of you moving forward. You can also encourage slow, gradual, risk-taking behaviors that the two of you do together in terms of public exposure as a gay couple, but again you can only solicit these suggestions to him and he will ultimately choose whether this is something he’s willing to forego.
It will be important for you to determine for yourself how much stock you place in this particular value for your happiness. Is it a negotiable or non-negotiable deal-breaker need for you to be in a relationship with someone who is as “out” as you are? If your partner were to never “come out of the closet”, would you be able to spend the rest of your life in a relationship such as this knowing you would have to continue living with certain sacrifices? These are the types of things you and your partner would benefit talking with each other about.
While two men who are “out” and open and two men who are both closeted tend to fare better because each is living the same reality, men in your situation where one is “out” and the other isn’t can and do make their relationships work, but sacrifices are made. You will have to decide for yourself what these specific sacrifices would be and if the investment you’ve made with your partner after all these years is more important to you than the individual growth potential you might have to give up to an extent to respect and accept your partner’s needs for privacy and anonymity. It’s also possible your partner just needs more time and you’ll have to decide if you’re willing to wait.
So while you may feel like you’re in a powerless position, you actually do have some control over your future…it’s just that they’re not very fun decisions and they have the capacity to lack guarantees and can be extremely life-changing. So avoid being impulsive and reactive at all costs. I would recommend before doing anything else to avoid getting into power struggles over this issue because your partner can’t take those personal journeys until he’s emotionally equipped and ready. I would also recommend you seek the services of a trained therapist who can help you dialogue further about this with each other as a couple, and this might be a good segue for your partner to find the strength to do some individual work on his own to work through his fears and build his self-esteem and confidence to promote a positive gay identity. You could also benefit if you desire help sorting through your values and clarifying them for sound decision-making and problem-solving.
My fingers are crossed for you, my friend. My hope is that you both find the courage to keep striving for your own individual and couple growth-potentials to have the greatest quality-of-life you can! You deserve it!
All my best,
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On January 30, 10 at 8:31am, Daren said...
I was there, and could not put up with it for more than 4 yrs. You are a roommate with benefits. If after 20 yrs. he still needs time, he is being abusive toward you and won’t likely change for your comfort.
On March 10, 10 at 12:37am, understood said...
I’m currently in a similar situation. After three years and not living together my partner and I moved closer to my family and friends (who know about us) and away from his family and friends (who don’t). I’ve come to accept the fact that our life here is great! We bought a house, have a dog, etc and our relationship is open to those close to me at least, but the moment someone from his life enters our world the walls come up and the lies begin. It is exhausting and emotionally draining. It’s so much more energy than needs to be used. I’m hopeful things will change and very optimistic, however I am beginning to think that things may not and what ifs? Every relationship is different and I definitely feel your suffering, but understand the love that is there. What do you do? Anyway I hope it works because in the end I am hoping for myself as well.
On December 01, 10 at 10:40pm, Chris M. said...
It so sad to be a 21 year old Iraq vet in psychology to read these stories. What does that say about the country i once fought for when we as a minority are so brow beaten, so belittled and so afriad by and of our society that things like this happen.If you haven’t sought professional help from a psychologist who specializes in same-sex relationships I would suggest Googling doctors in your area, setting up a plan with your significant other, and following through with it. I would also google Dr. Joe Kort and read his books. Hopefully in time as things get better we can overcome the shame, fear, and guilt that our society has put into us. Take care guys and be well.
On January 24, 11 at 12:54am, Bob said...
As my partner and I have not been together 20 years I do see my relationship in what Understood has said. My partner does have walls and lies (he thinks of them as half-truths) and I just don’t see the point.
The walls he has constructed I feel have put a barrier between us as well. He works alot, no one from work knows about “us”, he has very few friends and together we have none. So instead of going out, I end up waiting for him alone at home most of the time. I have brought up counseling however his work schedule doesn’t allow it, and he is concerned that people at work would find out.
How is it that a self confident nearly 40 yr old can let himself be kept a “secret’ or put into his partner’s closet after moving 1/2 across the country to a place he despises?
On May 25, 11 at 1:09am, mysticaltyger said...
The only problem I had with Brian’s response is that this guy might need more time. For Christ’s sake, gimme a break! They’ve been together 20 freakin’ years! I’d rather be single and alone than be with someone like that.