Dear Coach:

I’m in a new relationship with a great guy.  We’re still in the dating 
stage.  During intimacy, I have times when I’m unable to end by 
cumming.  It frustrates me more than it does him.  What can I do?

 ___________________________________________________________________

Hello Friend:

I’m sorry to hear about your struggles in your new sexual relationship. I can appreciate how your predicament causes you much frustration and that you’d like this remedied so you can enjoy your intimacy with your new boyfriend. This is actually a fairly common sexual difficulty for men, so please know you are not alone and there are ways to overcome this issue. The clinical term for this concern is Delayed Ejaculation or Ejaculatory Inhibition, in which the man is unable to have an orgasm and “cum” during sex. Lovemaking sessions can go on for hours without climax and can cause a man to grow increasingly frustrated, anxious, and defeatist. It’s important to know such things as….How long has this been going on? Have you experienced this before or has this only happened with this particular sexual partner? Are you able to have orgasms and ejaculate when masturbating alone?

I would encourage you to obtain a medical exam from your doctor to rule out any possible organic causes. More often than not these cases tend to be psychological in nature, but inability to climax can also be linked to medication side-effects, aging, or neurobiological issues. If everything checks out ok, it’s more than likely rooted in stress and anxiety or some kind of emotional block.

As men, we’ve been programmed to think we have to be excellent and skillful lovers and know exactly what to do in bed that will have our partners experience mind-blowing ecstasy and orgasms. This kind of pressure causes many men to experience performance anxiety that can get in the way of their experiencing their own pleasure in sex because they get stuck in their heads instead of being fully present in the moment and feeling their own pleasurable body sensations. Nothing kills sexual pleasure more than being distracted by worries of “how you’re doing.” Worse yet, with each consecutive sexual experience ending without a climactic ending, the anxiety spirals even more so that thoughts during the next encounter become centered on, “will I have an orgasm this time?” and “come on already, cum!!!” This almost insures it not happening. Fears of losing control, internalized homophobia, relationship issues and hostility toward the partner, sexual shame and low self-esteem, negative messages internalized about sex, and past traumatic experiences are also other possible causes of this challenge.

What can you do? Well first and foremost, relax and get out of your head! Enjoy the sexual experience rather than having orgasm be the goal, because an orgasm can’t be forced or willed into happening. Give yourself lots of opportunity for foreplay and erotic build-up before going gang-busters with penetration..that will come. Allow yourself to be pleasured and get to know the physical sensations that accompany your arousal and desire as your partner stimulates you. More focus on your body sensations will take you away from the worrisome thoughts in your head and allow your body to naturally progress through your sexual response cycle. Engage in lots of erotic massage and touching experiences to make sure you’re fully stimulated and allow yourself to be selfish with surrendering to and enjoying the pleasurable feelings. Fantasy can also help heighten the intensity as well as erotic talk. If you “top” in sexual situations with your partner, avoid penetrating him until you are at a very high level of sexual arousal (therefore long foreplay sessions are best!). Also see if you can use cues and signals that allow you to orgasm during solo-masturbation that you could possibly transfer over into a sexual situation with a partner. If none of these suggestions work, it might be helpful to seek out the services of a trained sex therapist who could prescribe additional strategies and work through any psychological blocks that might be getting in the way of your sexual satisfaction.

So enjoy your new relationship, my friend. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself to impress your new lover and stay body sensation-focused rather than being distracted by the chatter in your mind. You deserve to experience pleasure, so give yourself permission to be selfish during sex. While it’s very caring of you to want to please your partner and it’s ok to do so, his pleasure is ultimately his responsibility and its important for you to balance this with your own needs as well. Stop fighting for the orgasm to come…it will happen naturally for you when you begin to give up control and allow yourself to surrender to the pleasure of the moment, making sure you’re fully engaged and allow all five senses to come through in your erotic encounters. Enjoy!

All my best,

(c) Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed.None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

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