Dear Coach,
I find myself turning to masturbation too much because my partner & I do not have sex. He tells me it is due to medical issues that tend to diminish or extinguish his ‘drive’ while mine is completely functional. I have lived with this situation for a long time, but it is starting to frustrate me and yet I dont want to give up on a good relationship. Every time I talk to him he says he wants to get it fixed but doesn’t do anything about it. I know he’s not lying about the medical issues. I feel like a ‘bad’ person because I use porn and other things to help me get relief when I need it. What do you think?
Sexually Stalemated
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Hi Sexually Stalemated!
Your dilemma is a very common one when one partner has more interest in sex than the other, whether they are discrepant sex drives or differing thresholds for desire. Knowing you’re not alone doesn’t make you feel any better I know, particularly since it sounds like sexuality is a very important part of a relationship for you and the deprivation can feel like a huge loss and void; not to mention that it’s extremely frustrating and can breed resentment in the long-term if not addressed in some way.
I applaud you for trying to find alternative sources of expression for your sexual needs as a solution to the sexual challenges in your relationship. There is no shame in your trying to find responsible outlets for your sexual feelings when your partner resists working on bridging the gap in your bedroom conflicts. While protecting the integrity of what sounds like a monogamous relationship, your use of pornography and masturbation are viable choices in seeking sexual expression and release. There is nothing compulsive about this unless you find that it is interfering with your relationship or other parts of your life and has become all-consuming, “out-of-control”, or preoccupying for you. Aside from that, it’s important for you to give yourself permission that you have the right to have your sexual needs met and to derive pleasure free of guilt, and these are responsible options for you as long as they have not become addictive, are not hurting anyone, and have not created intimacy blocks and distance in your relationship.
While things like fantasy, pornography, sex toys, and erotic literature can be valuable sexual outlets in sexless relationships that do work and can help one to cope with the lack of eroticism with a partner, they do nothing to help bridge connection and intimacy with one’s partner. Solo sex, when it is the only sex, when you’re in a relationship can make you feel very alone and rejected, no matter what the reasons for the lack of sexual contact between the couple. It can also create emotional distance, resentment, and frustration over time and become a bitter source of conflict between couples who begin to feel like “roommates” or “best friends” rather than lovers. That’s typically not what you signed up for when you originally got together and began planning a future as partners!
While it is true that you can’t make your partner do anything and he shouldn’t do anything sexually he’s not comfortable with, coupled with the fact that we are all responsible for our own pleasure, for the most part most committed couples begin their lifelong relationship with the implicit understanding that there will be sexual intimacy unless agreed upon beforehand. Things do happen throughout the course of a relationship’s development that may impede sexual functioning and desire, however one of the important ingredients of successful couples is that they work together as a team to ensure both partner’s needs are being fulfilled, including emotional and sexual. While intermittent solo sex is acceptable in its own right whether as an independent or as a necessity to temporarily substitute for partner unavailability, the operative word is temporary. Each partner is responsible for sustaining the passion and attentiveness to the sexual domain of their partnership, just as much as they are to the other parts. And this sometimes involves sacrifice and adaptation on a mutual basis.
I advocate for you to continue to meet your own sexual needs in healthy ways, however it appears your relationship could benefit from a “jump-start” in restoring its passionate vigor to add to your sexual plate. This is important not only for each of you as individuals, but for the overall health of your relationship. It would be important for your partner to obtain a medical evaluation as a first step to ensure there are no physical or organic issues negatively affecting his libido.
By developing the mindset that you are a team as partners willing to work together to meet each other’s needs and to please each other, your partner might be more receptive to the bedroom as an erotic sanctuary. For one, you don’t have to have desire from the get-go in an intimate encounter. Desire can evolve as a part of extended foreplay and isn’t a prerequisite to even starting a sexual encounter. We are all capable of being “worked into” an arousal. We are all sexual beings and even those with disabilities and medical issues that can compromise sexuality are still capable of enjoying sexual pleasure and play; there may need to be modifications, but it’s still possible. Help him get into the mood! I encourage the two of you to identify the conditions that are the most optimal for each of you to be receptive for lovemaking and set the mood and climate.
What’s also needed here perhaps is to take the emphasis off of sex and instead focus on intimacy. Kick performance to the curb and instead sexually play with each other. Begin with some nonsexual behaviors first. Do some flirting and playful banter. Try erotic massage and lots of foreplay and sexy dialogue to build up the excitement and arousal of the moment. Work each other up into such a frenzy that you won’t be able to control the impulses any longer. This is about reawakening each other’s eroticism and bringing about more intimacy and connection than just sex. By both of you being active participants in the process, you’ll both be engaged and present in the moment, even if one of you may not necessarily have been that jazzed about doing anything to begin with.
And even if your partner is adamant about not having sex after all of that, there’s no reason why he still can’t please you in some way as we continue with the mindset of the two of you being a team as a couple. Help him discover ways he can sexually or sensually pleasure you within the boundaries he’s comfortable with and find out how you can please him. Avoid sex as a power-struggle and instead focus on the intimacy.
I encourage you to read the following 2-parter article on my blog: http://thegaylovecoach.com/?s=not+tonight+honey [1] about sexless relationships and if you continue to have struggles, it might be beneficial for you and your partner to seek out the services of a sex therapist who might be able to help out with psychological issues that may perhaps be at play. Help your partner understand how important this is to you and your relationship and hopefully he’ll be willing to see the rewards of meeting you half-way with this so you can catapult your relationship to a whole new level. You both owe it to yourselves.
I wish you much success!