Dating a Guy with a Lot of Notches on His Bedpost
Question: I’ve been single for a while now, mostly because I’m choosy. However, one of my friends introduced me to a friend of his, and we really hit it off. He’s everything I want—smart, funny, charming—and it’s also the most amazing sex I’ve ever had. The bad new is this: As I continue to get to know him, it’s become clear to me that he has slept with just about everybody I know. Look, I don’t want to pass judgment on that, but I have to be honest, there’s a part of me that feels like he’s a total slut. The good news is he says he’s really into me, has acknowledged his past, and says he wants to be monogamous with me. I really want to get behind that and trust him, but am wondering how I am going to get past this, you know?
Answer:
In a gay culture where it can be tremendously difficult to find a compatible partner, count yourself fortunate to have found someone whom you share so much in common with and have a mutual attraction and desire for a committed relationship. What an exciting time for you, bask in the glow of it all and avoid taking this opportunity for granted! Your potential boyfriend’s current behavior with you is what’s important, so be careful not to define his whole identity based on his past sexual promiscuity. People can and do change and having met you may be all the incentive and motivation that he needs to embrace a monogamous lifestyle, so be very cautious about projecting his past onto the present.
The key to any relationship in building trust is shared experiences and time. Observe his actions and the choices he makes in all the various situations you find yourselves in as you date and develop a relationship. His consistency in making your relationship a priority can go a long way toward viewing him as a man of integrity and cultivating trust and confidence in his commitment to you; this can also help to positively overshadow those aspects of his past that you find unappealing. Live in the now, keep the channels of communication open, and work on co-collaborating a relationship vision together as a team that will lead to ultimate relationship success and satisfaction. Enjoy!
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On May 31, 16 at 1:09am, Lin said...
I would never date a guy who had a past like that. I could never have sex indiscriminately like that with no emotion and with people I don’t know. It goes against my views. I take sex more seriously. In terms of sexual compatibility, my views would never match with the other guy’s either. I would not care if I was missing out on a potential partner. I’d be saving myself a lot of stress instead.
Plus there is a good possibility after a guy has that much variety, it could be very hard for someone like that with a past to settle down. This just one of the reasons, why people contract STDs and STIs more also. As they expose themselves more to different people. Sure, you could get something from someone who is strict;y monogamous and has a low partner count, but chances are higher (even with protection) if someone has sex with a lot of people. Not all promiscuous people are like this. But that could be few and far in between.