Can Two Tops Date?

Question: I met someone recently and the attraction was immediate. He’s amazing, and we also have everything in common—we just look at each other googley-eyed all the time. We’ve messed around a few times already and it’s so passionate. But here’s the problem: we’re both tops. And I don’t mean versatile tops, I mean we’re both 100% tops-tops. We’ve talked about this, but the issue does seem to have put up some sort of barrier between us. See, for now, it’s fine and it’s not a big deal. But if this relationship actually goes somewhere, which I think it might, this could become a really big deal. Do I end this now, or do I stick with it and try to work it out. And how the heck do I work this out?

Answer:

This all depends on the role you want eroticism and sex to play in your life and it’s important to identify what your personal requirements are around this issue BEFORE investing yourself emotionally any further into this relationship. Is having anal sex and being the “penetrator” a deal-breaker for you in a relationship with someone, or is this a negotiable aspect of your sexuality? It also depends on the type of partnership style you’re seeking—open vs. closed.

If preferring an open relationship style, you guys could always pull in a bottom boy for your pleasures as a way of meeting your needs to “top.” You and your boyfriend would need to collaborate agreeable terms and boundaries on how incorporating others into your sex life would look like to protect your partnership.

If a monogamous relationship is your vision, the situation becomes a bit more complex but not completely insurmountable. Creativity and communication will be key in meeting your sexual needs—there’s always “dry humping”, fantasy, porn, erotic dialogue, sex toys, erotic literature, etc. Learning to be more versatile in your sexual expressions and exploring resistances to bottoming might also be helpful to making this work.

Emphasizing other aspects of your relationship that bring substance, depth, and fulfillment to your life can work, however this can also be a temporary Band-Aid and cause suppression of sexual needs if sex is a strong value for you. Determining the role and meanings that sex plays in your life and relationships in comparison to the value and importance of other relationship variables and qualities will be essential areas of introspection.

But if none of these options sounds appealing and you desire monogamy as a full-fledged top and want the “real thing”, this might not be a “goodness of fit” because it more than likely will leave you feeling frustrated, resentful, and unfulfilled if sex is a priority in your value system. Better to recognize this now than to become too attached and get hurt later on down the road.

(c) 2009 Brian L. Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

This posting contains my response to advice column questions posed by Planet Out/Gay.com in 7/09 for a contest they were running.

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed.None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

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