I’ve been in a relationship for a couple of years and the sex just isn’t there anymore. It was never really great, but now, it’s almost non-existent, which is strange to me because I thought gay men did it constantly. Is it possible to be in love with someone and just not be sexually compatible? How do you make it work in the relationship?
Answer:
Being in love and sexual compatibility are two separate entities. In relationship development, the high sexual energy that typically defines “the early years” together does tend to decrease the longer a couple is together; this isn’t necessarily a sign that you don’t love each other anymore or that there is a problem—it is a normal part of the maturation of your relationship and more attention and effort is needed to keep the intimacy alive. Getting caught up in the myth that gay men are sexual machines can definitely cause you to question yourself when your sex life wanes, so it’s important not to buy into this fallacy. Sometimes, sexlessness is a symptom of an underlying problem in a relationship and this should be examined. Or maybe time needs to be scheduled for lovemaking. Try to bring more novelty into the bedroom to spice things up—have sex in different places and positions, write out graphic sexual fantasies that you exchange and act out, etc. Openly communicate with your partner to determine if your lack of intimacy is the problem or if it’s a symptom of other issues and as a team begin addressing directly what you uncover.