Advice

When I got together with my boyfriend, I told him I was a top and he told me he was a bottom, and for six months now, I’ve topped, he’s bottomed. I want to try things the other way around, but every time we go there, he freaks out and can’t perform. Is there anything I can do to get him over his fear?

Answer:

Your partner obviously feels uncomfortable with this role-reversal and it’s important not to push him to do something he doesn’t want to do. It might be helpful to communicate with him about what your desire to mix things up sexually comes from and to explore with him how he feels and what it means for him to be in the “top” role to better understand where his anxiety is stemming from. His anxiety is his issue, so there’s not much you can do except to ask him if there’s anything you can do to make him more comfortable and to create a bedroom climate where performance isn’t the emphasis so he can ease into it. Practicing with sexual aids and becoming more educated on how to please a partner through books and videos might be helpful for him, but it has to be his choice. Are there dynamics in your relationship that might hold him back? Ultimately, communication is key here and neither of you should feel pressured to do things you genuinely don’t want to do. Brainstorm other ways of bringing more novelty and spice to your sex life and explore other ways you can have your “bottom” needs met, including having your boyfriend use a dildo or sex toy on you during sex play for your pleasure.

(c)2007 Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

here! Interactive Media approached me about participating in their online love advice column in 2007. They pooled together a team of columnists for the official launch of the advice column—they had a porn star (Brian Hansen), a drag queen (Pam Ann), and yours truly respond to the same set of questions This posting is my response to one of those questions in 2/07.
The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed.None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.
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