Dear Coach:
I would like to be more flexible in my ability to satisfy my lover. Having had limited experience “topping” in the past, I wonder if there are techniques I can apply to help me overcome my inability to top when asked to. I start out aroused but then lose confidence as I attempt to follow though. Any ideas?
Top In Training
Hi Top In Training!
Thanks for writing and congrats to you in working to expand your sexual repertoire! This will only make you a more talented lover with your versatile interests and also expands the range of pleasure you can experience with your sexuality.
None of us are born knowing how to be expert lovers and just like anything else, lovemaking skills are an art form that can be learned and cultivated with sound knowledge and a trial-and-error approach. So first and foremost, be kind to yourself and take the emphasis off of feeling like you have to be a perfect “10” in the bedroom. With patience and practice, you’ll become a skillful top in no time, but the emphasis must be taken off the mindset of performance.
One way to learn how to be a talented top would be to read up on as many books as you can about the art of lovemaking and sexual technique. You can also view a variety of gay porn videos and pay special attention to what “the top” does in his role and behavior and use that as a model for your own sexual experiences. With your history of being a bottom, you can also reflect on the characteristics and qualities of the tops who have given you the most satisfaction in your intimate life and use that as a basis for comparison and you can imitate what was done to you that you enjoyed.
But more importantly, remember that sex is much more than just about technique and skill. By focusing too much on this, it again puts you in a position of feeling like you have to “perform” and that will take away from the experience and make you vulnerable to experiencing anticipatory anxiety or performance angst that will definitely negatively affect your ability to maintain solid erections. We are all responsible for our own experience of sexual pleasure, so don’t feel like the outcome of each sexual drama is all in your lap. It takes all parties involved in an erotic encounter to make it hot; it is not solely the top’s role to be the pleaser, so take this pressure off yourself. You’re only as good as the guy you’re with.
During a sexual encounter, stay out of your head. Your thoughts and worries about being a good lover or if you’re doing this or that right will only serve to distract you and will kill the erotic charge—not to mention your hard-on. Instead, focus on the pleasurable sensations you feel in your body as you become aroused and keep your focus there. And don’t forget the importance of foreplay. Many gay men go right for the wham-bam of sex and tend to forget that extended touching, kissing, massaging, caressing, and oral delights actually heighten the intensity of the experience. You’ll want to get your bottom completely riled up and writhing in ecstasy before you even get to the moment of penetration. Prolong the foreplay for as long as you can before you go for the gold. Orgasm and ejaculation shouldn’t necessarily be the goal; enjoy and focus on the process instead of the end result, and the experience will be that much more powerful and memorable for both of you.
The other thing to remember is that each sex partner you’re with is an individual with different tastes and preferences. What works for one guy won’t necessarily do the trick for another. Find out from each partner what pleases them the most and personalize your lovemaking approach accordingly. If you have a partner or a sex buddy whom you trust, it might be better to practice with that one person while you build confidence in your abilities. And again, don’t focus on perfection. Much of the erotic charge can come from all the fumbling of trial-and-error; be playful with it and don’t take it so seriously. Sex should be fun, not a competition sport. Relax and enjoy the ride (and play safe!) You’re going to be fabulous!