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I Pushed My Partner Out of the Closet

Dear Coach:

I am in my late 30’s and my partner and I have been together for 10 years. From the beginning, my family welcomed him with open arms. My partner has struggled for years to come out to his family and only just this past year told his mother that he was gay and in a long-term relationship. The only reason he came out to her was because I had a business trip to the city where she lives and he came with me; I sort of pushed the issue so I could finally meet her. She’s a wonderful woman and was totally open, accepting, and loving, but my partner remains uncomfortable.

I’m glad he finally told her and that I’ve gradually been able to develop a relationship with her. But I continue to ask myself whether I did the right thing by essentially pushing him into a corner with no way out but “out.”At times I would ask myself, “How strongly can he feel for me as his life partner if he won’t even tell his mother about me?” I now know that it wasn’t an issue of his relationship with me, but rather his relationship with his mother. Now that I view it through that lens, I wonder if I made a mistake despite the openness they now share and the budding ties that she and I are creating.

“Out” In the Open


Dear “Out” In the Open:

It sounds like you and your partner have a great relationship and I’m really glad to hear that all is well with the family situation. It is completely understandable the frustration you must have been feeling. Relationships in which one partner is more “out” than the other certainly do pose their challenges. For you, I imagine it caused you to feel stifled and held back in some respects. Many men in your position have also voiced feeling like “a dirty little secret” when their partners won’t “come out” to their families about them, and this certainly can put some strain on a relationship. It can also cause one to question his partner’s true feelings about him as well.

What’s important to realize though is that more often than not, it’s really not an issue about you at all. The anxiety about “coming out” superceded everything else and it was likely more about your partner’s internal struggle than anything about his feelings for you and your relationship. As far as your involvement in pushing him to reveal his identity to his mother, try to be kind to yourself as you had the best of intentions and were only trying to relieve your partner of any more ongoing turmoil and to give your relationship that boost to the next level for both your sakes. In general from an ethical standpoint, it is usually best for each of us to take responsibility for our own “coming out” process and to disclose our sexual orientation to whom we choose at the time and place that is appropriate for the individual. It is generally good practice to allow each person that right and choice without undue interference or pressure.

That being said, it sounds like your situation typifies a success story, which I am very pleased to hear for you. It has got to be a wonderful feeling to have that familial connection now and for your partner to be able to breathe a sigh of relief and to discard that double life in place of honoring and celebrating your relationship publicly. You can each truly be yourselves now and you both have now been able to “step out of the closet” as a couple. All sorts of possibilities abound to deepen the intimacy and connection in your relationship because you can be authentic and open. If you have concerns about how your influence in having him come out to his mother may have affected your partner, I would encourage you to share your feelings and concerns with him to clear the air and to get a better gauge on how he is feeling. Through communication, you both can understand and empathize with each other’s perspectives. Additionally, if there is anything unspoken about what happened, it’s usually best to bring it out into the open and deal with it directly rather than letting it stay buried, which will only serve to let it grow and fester and create problems later on down the road. Also don’t forget that one of the advantages of being in a long-term relationship is that you each mutually are able to help support and challenge each other to take risks and step outside of your comfort zones to accomplish personal goals and promote growth as individuals and as a couple. That certainly seems to be the case here.

I wish you all the best with your journey with your partner and your new-found family! Enjoy!

©2009 Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed.None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.
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