Dear Coach:
I have been seeing a guy who is already in a relationship of 8 years and lives with his partner; he says that they never have sex anymore. This guy is so sexy and I can’t resist him. We hook up at my place pretty regularly. I don’t have a boyfriend or anything, so I don’t feel like I have anything to lose. We have safe sex and we both feel very pleased with the arrangement. Could it be that this guy’s relationship with his partner is going bad or already is? Am I a fool for having ongoing sex with him? What do you think?
Hooked On a Taken Man
Dear Hooked On a Taken Man:
Whenever someone becomes sexually involved with a guy who is already in a relationship, you as the third party need to be extremely cautious moving forward and ensure that you are realistically looking at your involvement with this man for what it truly is. For many couples, a partner stepping outside the relationship for fun can certainly be a “red flag” that there are underlying problems at play. However, this is not always the case. Many gay relationships are “open” in the sense that the partners have given each other permission to meet their sexual needs with others outside the primary relationship. These couples continue to maintain healthy and vital relationships with each other, sharing feelings of emotional intimacy and commitment toward their partnership. Becoming involved with an attached man with the secret hope of claiming him as your own could be a dangerous self-sabotaging trap.
It’s important for you to examine and understand your motives for becoming involved with someone who is already snagged. While there are certainly cases where a man has left his partner for a new lover, these exceptions are not a guarantee and could potentially put you in a vulnerable position of investing yourself into something that will not come to fruition and you could get hurt. So make sure you’re going into this sexual involvement with a clear head. You’ll want to do a thorough check-in with your values in terms of how you feel about becoming involved with someone who is already partnered and to realize also that if your lover could cheat on his current beau, the likelihood that he would repeat this behavior in a relationship with you is also possible.
If your guy is in an “open relationship” and his partner is aware that he is sexual with other men, your arrangement is probably more honest and on the up-and-up. But again, if you find it difficult to separate your emotions from sex, you could run the risk of falling prey to fantasizing about what you could potentially have with him and you definitely have more to lose if your sex bud doesn’t reciprocate those same feelings and intentions.
So be very clear with yourself in terms of what you’re looking for out of this involvement with him…if it’s purely sexual and you’re both on the same page with defining that as such and he is honest with his partner about his sexual involvement with others, then your situation would appear to be kosher. If it’s purely sexual from both your standpoints but he’s not in an “open relationship” with his partner, you’ll need to decide how you feel about participating in a cheating scenario/infidelity with him as it pertains to your value system, and then decide accordingly. Lastly, if either one of you has developed feelings for the other that are beyond an erotic level, then this creates a more complex situation that will require some soul-searching to determine if this is really a healthy relationship for you to be involved in.
If you stick to your personal ethics and values, you can’t go wrong. Stay on top of temptations to deviate from those ideals and explore what might be underneath those inclinations to self-sabotage your sense of what’s right for you. Additionally, it might be helpful for you to also explore the reasons behind getting involved with an attached man from the beginning (in the event that you’re really seeking a dating partner). Becoming involved with someone that you know to be unavailable could be indicators of personal intimacy fears or other underlying emotional blocks that would benefit from resolution to boost your chances for more successful partnering. It’s also helpful to periodically check-in with your sex partner to ensure you’re both “on the same page” in regards to your arrangement to ensure that feelings and expectations haven’t changed. All my best!
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