Dear Coach
I was wondering if you could give me a little advice. I am in a fairly new relationship with a guy I love and adore, but our sex life is basically non-existent. We are both primarily tops which doesn’t make things all that easy to begin with. I have offered to be a bottom for him, but he doesn’t seem to want that. He refuses to be a bottom for me and that makes me a bit upset. I have told him that I need more in this area, but he doesn’t seem to care. I’ve also suggested we invite a third person into the bedroom and he adamantly refuses that. I am at a loss. I don’t know what to do. Can you help us?
Topped Out
Dear Topped Out:
Thanks for writing and I’m sorry to hear about your dilemma; I can imagine how frustrating this must be for you. Particularly with your relationship being so new when attraction and sexual energy is typically at its peak, this type of scenario can definitely weigh heavily on your mind.
For starters, I would encourage you to avoid getting into a power struggle over sex. This will only add more insult to injury and leave you feeling more frustrated and overwhelmed. By placing too much emphasis on your sexual problem, your young relationship runs the risk of becoming defined by the conflict and could potentially sabotage a good thing. Allow some time to let your dating relationship evolve and take the focus off of sex, redirecting energies into other aspects of the relationship. It’s possible your guy needs more time for the two of you to get to know each other before allowing himself to be vulnerable sexually. Getting into a pursuer-distancer cycle will only serve to create a bigger rift between the two of you. By pulling back and capitalizing on other positive aspects of your relationship, he may come around and express more initiative and interest when he doesn’t feel so much pressure perhaps. Or at least might be more receptive to your advances. A more bonded relationship might make him (and you) feel more of a sense of trust that will lend itself to more openness to explore the sexual side of things.
That being said, sexuality is an extremely important part of a relationship and you will want to work out the kinks after some time has been spent re-stabilizing the relationship and making it safe for productive communication and dialogue. You both deserve to have an outlet for the expression of your sexual needs and you will need to discover whether the two of you are sexually compatible to remain fulfilled over the long haul. Being that you are both tops does pose a special challenge, however this type of partnering arrangement is not necessarily insurmountable. There are many different ways you can be sexual with each other without anal penetration; it will require each of you to contribute some creativity and negotiate sexual practices and preferences that will be agreeable and enjoyable to you both.
You will want to determine the origins of your sexual drive discrepancies. Do you both truly just have different thresholds for sexual desire, or are there underlying issues at play such as relationship problems that require resolution first or a medical problem? Does fear or anxiety throw up barriers or is he struggling with feeling comfortable with a gay identity or his masculinity that gets triggered during gay sex? Are there power/control issues at play? I encourage you to read my article on sex drive differences to help potentially diagnose the problem.
The two of you will want to talk about your most favorable conditions that get you in the mood for sex as a way to help ignite desire. Talk about each other’s turn-ons and try to create these scenarios in your intimate life. Try not to let these talks get real serious and clinical too…have fun and be playful with it. You each could write your own ultimate sexual fantasy in graphic detail and take turns sharing and acting them out with each other. This might help him get in the mood more.
So the key is trying to find out what his unique conditions would be for sparking desire. Nonsexual touch or massage? Porn? A nice dinner and music? A prelude role-play? His being the initiator? And the only way to discover this is through open and honest communication and compromise; and nobody should do anything that they’re not comfortable with. If after all this discussion and attempts to “bridge the gap” things continue to not fulfill you, you may need to decide how important a role sex plays in your life to determine if this is truly a suitable partner match for you knowing that you will likely have to make some sacrifices if you stay.
So give the relationship some time to stabilize after all the power struggles, create a climate of safety and nonsexual playfulness in the relationship to lay the foundation for communication, and then talk things out and see if any compromises can be made using the above ideas as a starting block. I wish you all the best with your efforts to hammer out a satisfying relationship vision!